Independence.

I've always taken pride in my independence. My inability to depend on others- more like my fear of ever depending on anyone. My strength, my need to take care of myself. It's what defines me.

That Weeds quotes speaks to me: "I can't rely on men. It doesn't mean I don't love them. It doesn't mean I walk away. It just means that I adjusted my expectations. Men are weak."

But the truth is... I can't rely on men. I can't let myself. I try not to atleast.

I understood what this meant for me and my ideas on relationships. I understood that this is the reason I built a wall, this is the reason why I was scared to allow myself into relationships. It's the reason why I'm too scared to feel. I think I just wanted to find the guy that I could rely on...

I guess I never thought about what this meant for the men in my life. The ones that actually care and actually want to take care of me- but me being me, I don't let them. I never thought about what it would mean until last night. And now it's running through my head. And now... I'm really not sure what to think...

Necessary.

It's funny. How things end up. How things don't work out. And how sometimes they do.

I love drawing. But my best work comes from a dark place. I have to put myself in a dark place. It's hard. It's somewhat unhealthy. I'm not sure what to do. I think that I let myself get in a dark place because of recent events. I could have brushed it off and walked away, but I let it happen. I'm not sure why I let it happen, but I did. I think it's human behavior, sometimes we just need to feel pain.

I'm done with feeling that way now. I have anger- I won't lie. Those actions that effect me- it makes me angry. I think to myself- "how can someone be such a f'n idiot" or "how does someone have the nerve." I need to let go of that anger. I'm working on it but seriously, people got nerve. Seriously.

"ici et maintenant" - it's on my ring and I wear it all the time. I have this thing... I have to wear it or I feel like my day will fall apart. And before I felt this way I just felt naked without it until a horrible day had come. There's something about it. I know it's silly but I never take it off anymore- almost never.

It means "here and now" in French. Here and now. Live in the here and now. It's simple. Direct. But sometimes I think to myself... How about when the here and now isn't how you want it to be. It's a weird statement. And I don't even think it's at all logical. But sometimes it's just necessary.

Things are sometimes just necessary. We can't always be logical. We shouldn't be. That's not how life works.

Expression.

I've had so much on my mind this weekend. I don't think I've ever been so full of emotions, thoughts, ideas, etc. It's strange though, as much as I felt like expressing that emotion through my own body - a tear on my face, a scream out of my mouth - it came out differently than it ever has before. I started to write - a lot, but even better, I started to draw. Really draw, not just doodle, but sketch and I came out with pieces that I love - that speak a lot to me. I'm not sure what anyone else would get from them, but to me - its emotional.

I suck at drawing faces - I can't capture that in my sketches - it's something that I've practiced and haven't yet achieved. But I discovered something - what do you see in a blank face? My own emotions were pulled into the blankness, but the emotion of someone else, someone happier, some feeling completely different than myself, I think their own emotions could easily be pulled. It makes it dynamic. It speaks to the person looking at it, differently than the next.

Explaining Why.

As human beings we go through phases. In and out, we continue to weave ourselves through life, never actually knowing what's in and what's out. It's strange though, when do you know that it's no longer a phase and that your mind won't change in a day, in 10 days, a year, 10 years, 50 years... I guess we don't. I guess we never will, but that's the trick to life. Sometimes you just have to jump blind sighted. But what if one day your mind changes and it's too late -- you can't turn back time and change the past few days or years or decades. It's always a risk, a risk that's best not to be thought of as a risk. It's life.

I used to want a boyfriend. When I was younger especially, but I have a feeling that was society influenced... it had nothing to do with my own wants and realization of the responsibility - it was based on the fact that society tells us we must date around and one day find our true love.

What if I'm never meant to find my true love? What if I do and I don't know it...

I'll continue this later... I'm too tired right now...

This is Why.

This is why I love Fe so much.. instead of everyone else who says, "you're just saying that now," she knows me...

(3:08:02 PM) Nicole Cua: i already knew i didnt like relationships, but i think ive decided that i dont like relationships and i want to be single forever
(3:09:48 PM) Faye Farrales: i feel like.. i've known that
(3:10:00 PM) Faye Farrales: i feel like.. that's you
(3:10:02 PM) Faye Farrales: haha


EOM!

In Hopes.

I thought about it. I think I want it. I think I don't. Then, you just know.

I thought about relationships. My relationships with my friends & family & the people i'm only getting to know. The way my life works, it could be better of course, but overall the way that I live my life- I don't want much to change. I'm independent, stubborn, indecisive, ridiculous, & raw. I feel like that could change, but I also think I could keep that.

Obviously I'm leading to the idea of a companion, a mate. The problem is... when you get that close to someone... when you open up that deep --how do you not begin to care? And that leads to the seriousness, the human rawness, & the deepness of the situation. To survive it, stick with it is a feat that I'm not ready to take. I still haven't quite found me.

And I hate that term : "finding oneself." I think it's that I'm not 100% comfortable with myself. That might be it.

I need to start drawing, conjuring, creating, & producing.

Life starts to write itself clear.

I have tried time and time again to bring myself to this blog. To write my thoughts, my ideas and whatever else you would call the voices in my head.

Some think that people go through life. I like to think that life goes through people or at least, that's when the best moments, the moments that matter most, occur. The things that life throws at me, the things that happen to me... it creates those amazing moments that I live for. Of course though, we must be do'ers in life. We must take action to expect outcome or else I should be sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing to help myself in this wreck-less time of transition. There's only so much you can do ... so much you can ask for - sometimes we just need to wait and let it come naturally. Let life come to you.

Its hard to wait sometimes, when you just want it to happen already. It's like being an artist in life - and forcing your artist identity, your artist ideas - when they have yet to be created and instead fillers are created. Fillers of life that mean almost nothing, but you want it to mean something so bad.

I want a job, but do I want a filler job? I want companionship, but do I want anyone to just fill the position?

I'm pretty sure I want it - the job, the companion, the life. I'm willing to wait because I'm sure it'll be worth it. I know it. This artist is generating ideas, thoughts, and an amazing life.