painstakingly amazing moments.

So I woke up yesterday and it looked beautiful outside. I could hear people playing outside in the neighborhood. The sun was out and brighter than ever. I love the sun, I love days like that. It made everything that I thought was missing and that I thought was wrong disappear.

I decided to go out for a jog. I wasn't sure how far I wanted to go or where I wanted to go, I just wanted to start going. I jogged up to the hilltop of Pullman and stood up there for a while looking out at all of Pullman and thinking... "Wow, I'm really not going to miss this place."

I kept jogging and at times walking and made it all the way to Adrian and Louis' place. There's a few things that I realized during that 3 mile jog:
1. Pullman is one of the stinkiest places ever.
2. I've missed walking every morning - I didn't realize how good it made me feel.
3. I should be doing this more often!
4. Getting a head start in the day made it one of the best days I've had in a while.

So after my jog Adrian, Stephen and myself actually hung out throughout the rest of the day... running errands and being productive. It was good. Really good.

I won't lie... I woke up this morning in PAIN!!! Lots of pain. I feel sore, very sore, but I'm trying to push myself farther - I pulled out my "wheel of death" and decided that I need to go through the pain and push myself further and not to give up just because it hurts a little.

So I'm hoping this isn't a one time thing. I'm hoping that I get off my ass more often. And I'm also hoping that I'll continue to push myself further in all matters of life, not just when it comes to fitness.

Pain shouldn't end all things. Pain should be used to channel the good and channel the bad. It should be used to clear your head and clear your mind - to look at things in another perspective and to re-evaluate the situation.

After last night when a few of us went to Dupus we started to look at the calendar. Time is truly passing by... soon enough I'll be out of here. There's really not much time left. But I'm still excited. But I'm trying to make the most of it all, planning things with people I haven't been around in a while. Making the most of every thirsty Thursday. Not being lame on Friday and Saturday. And being dedicated every single day of the week. Because really... REALLY... when will I get to do this again? When else will I be able to party the way I do in Pullman? With all these people that I've met and come across?

The answer? Never again. So it's about now. Because no matter what amazing plans we make for the future... moving to LA with friends, moving to wherever alone, moving forward in life... we never know what'll happen or what obstacles we might cross on the way, but what I know is that right now is a perfect time to create amazing moments.

Confession.

For some reason I feel strange. I can't explain it exactly, but there's just something that's missing once again. I'm back to where I was last October: dissatisfied, lost, and longing. Longing for something I can't even explain, describe, or simply name.

I've been this grump about relationships for quite a while now, even when I was in one. I'm trying to think back... what made me this way? I look at other people in relationships and I can't even empathize with the happiness they feel being together. I can't see myself in their shoes because I don't think I've ever let myself be in that type of situation. Am I looking for that? No not exactly, not at all actually, but when will I ever let myself feel like that? I wish I wasn't so critical towards relationships and towards people who choose to go through pain for someone they 'love' so much. Pain is pleasure right? I don't know, it's just something I've never completely or even slightly understood and I think it's because I have in no way been a part of something that real myself. I haven't handed my heart over to someone and trusted them allowing them to pin scars knowing that they'll heal soon enough. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't even believe in feeling with your heart. I believe in the mind and the games that mind plays on us.

The truth is ... I want to find someone. I just haven't found anyone. I want to feel the things that I've described, but the truth is... someone needs to find me.

The last time I told myself... you're not being stupid, you really feel this way and it's real. It's been a while you know, but I'm looking back again and thinking... I was stupid. Will that ever change? I think I'm just afraid to let it be real. I think I just need to be okay with feeling stupid. The truth is... the last time, the last guy... it started off as nothing and ended as nothing. And in between... it meant something along the way, but if it really meant something, it would've been something... so truly it was nothing, nothing real, just something stupid, fun and bad for me - that was me living, remember that?

Okay but to be truly honest... he made an impact that no one else has in a while. I think that's a good thing. I needed it.

I hate being in Pullman. I always feel so trapped. I feel like there's something out there for me, but being here holds me back. Being here makes me this grump. Being here holds me from more stupid, fun and bad for me things that I want to experience.

When will my time come once again? When will I find more meaning to the things I do in life? I think I just feel... like I'm living, but living for nothing. I need meaning, at least more meaning than this.

I hate feeling this way. Not knowing what's wrong, but knowing that something's just not right. I miss the summer again. I miss my old friends. I miss my Bellevue friends. I miss my Renton family. I miss all of them, they make my life brighter and happier ... they sure did so this past weekend. It was amazing. Monday night was amazing for many reasons. It was thrilling, exciting, but I really think it may have been bad for me - wait I know it was bad for me because I was totally hung over the next day.

One last thing... this weekend triggered something in my mind. There's moments I forgot, but didn't... and there's moments that I will never forget. It's haunting. It brings back other memories, moments, amazing ones... one's that I'll never forget because there was something amazing that happened - I just need to figure that out.

Fringe.

"If you take a moment and look closely at the things you pass by everyday: a color, a shape, a pattern... because what you see really depends on what you're looking for."

Okay so I don't actually watch Fringe although I have been wanting to start and I actually watched the beginning of one episode, but creepy 'butterflies' cutting into human skin like glass was just too eerie for me.

The trailer - I love the graphics. The words are inspiring.

It's true... what you see really depends on what you're looking for. I wish it was easier to be open, to look at things without any pre-judgements or pre-conceptions. It's like what I told Rick over the weekend: don't act nice if you don't want to, don't be fake, but don't be mean either - just be open and don't go in with the thought that you already hate or dislike it, just be open each and every moment. Let your mind judge at the moment, but don't carry those judgements any farther than the now.

So I haven't written in this blog for quite some time now. I always get right to it once Orbie reminds me that it's there and it's waiting. Actually it's not that I forget... I've just had trouble gathering my thoughts. I've had trouble finding the words because trust me there's a lot to be said, but so little words to truly express it.

We're limited. Limited by the amount of communication we're honestly capable of. The ambiguity of one word, one thought, or one emotion. Not only are we inevitably limited, but we tend to limit ourselves. We hold back our feelings, we fail to communicate. We fail to tell each other how we truly feel whether it's amazing, good, bad, or horrible.

I appreciate true honesty - I really do. Even if I might get upset at people being 'too honest' sometimes, but that upset feeling goes away and respect and trust are further built. And it's about being honest to the person that needs to hear it. Sometimes we don't have a problem with communicating how we feel - we tend to have a problem with communicating how we feel to the right person - the person that it matters to most.

It's true... if you take a moment and look closely at the things you pass by everyday it just depends on what you're looking for. We see what we want to see. I'm in this music course, but we're learning about the brain and how music is processed and the effect that it has on the brain. I learned that we use the left side of our brain when fabricating stories. "The left brain makes up stories based on the limited information it gets. Usually it gets the story right, but it will go to great lengths to sound coherent." So pretty much our brain is creating the story to give us what we want, what we think is there. It's a tricky thing.

What's so bad about not getting what we want? What's so wrong about being wrong? Why are we fearful of failing? I wish I could make my mind think differently and be more open to failure. That fear keeps us from a lot of great things in life: living, honesty, trust, a pattern, a shape, a color.

To end, I'll end with another quote. A speech from the show Jack and Bobby by Grace McAllister at her attempt to make an inspiring speech for the university's students. The writers inspired me:

"You will fail here, all of you. College is not the culmination of your high school career, it is the beginning of your adult life. Only its a slow sweet beginning. It feels nothing like what life and all its attending obligations will eventually bring, so fail here. Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be afraid. Be vulnerable. Go out on limb or two or twelve and you'll fall and it'll hurt, but the harder you fall the farther you'll rise. The louder you fail the clearer your future becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it. There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances passed them by, why they didn't take the road less traveled. Those people are not you. You have the front row seats to your own transformation and in transforming yourself you might even transform the world and it'll be electric, I promise you. It'll be terrifying, but embrace that. Embrace the new person you're becoming. This is your moment. I promise you it is now. Now - not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but really now. Own that, know that deep in your bones and go to sleep every night knowing that and wake up every single morning remembering it and then... keep going."