Thursday, February 19, 2009


For some reason I feel strange. I can't explain it exactly, but there's just something that's missing once again. I'm back to where I was last October: dissatisfied, lost, and longing. Longing for something I can't even explain, describe, or simply name.

I've been this grump about relationships for quite a while now, even when I was in one. I'm trying to think back... what made me this way? I look at other people in relationships and I can't even empathize with the happiness they feel being together. I can't see myself in their shoes because I don't think I've ever let myself be in that type of situation. Am I looking for that? No not exactly, not at all actually, but when will I ever let myself feel like that? I wish I wasn't so critical towards relationships and towards people who choose to go through pain for someone they 'love' so much. Pain is pleasure right? I don't know, it's just something I've never completely or even slightly understood and I think it's because I have in no way been a part of something that real myself. I haven't handed my heart over to someone and trusted them allowing them to pin scars knowing that they'll heal soon enough. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't even believe in feeling with your heart. I believe in the mind and the games that mind plays on us.

The truth is ... I want to find someone. I just haven't found anyone. I want to feel the things that I've described, but the truth is... someone needs to find me.

The last time I told myself... you're not being stupid, you really feel this way and it's real. It's been a while you know, but I'm looking back again and thinking... I was stupid. Will that ever change? I think I'm just afraid to let it be real. I think I just need to be okay with feeling stupid. The truth is... the last time, the last guy... it started off as nothing and ended as nothing. And in between... it meant something along the way, but if it really meant something, it would've been something... so truly it was nothing, nothing real, just something stupid, fun and bad for me - that was me living, remember that?

Okay but to be truly honest... he made an impact that no one else has in a while. I think that's a good thing. I needed it.

I hate being in Pullman. I always feel so trapped. I feel like there's something out there for me, but being here holds me back. Being here makes me this grump. Being here holds me from more stupid, fun and bad for me things that I want to experience.

When will my time come once again? When will I find more meaning to the things I do in life? I think I just feel... like I'm living, but living for nothing. I need meaning, at least more meaning than this.

I hate feeling this way. Not knowing what's wrong, but knowing that something's just not right. I miss the summer again. I miss my old friends. I miss my Bellevue friends. I miss my Renton family. I miss all of them, they make my life brighter and happier ... they sure did so this past weekend. It was amazing. Monday night was amazing for many reasons. It was thrilling, exciting, but I really think it may have been bad for me - wait I know it was bad for me because I was totally hung over the next day.

One last thing... this weekend triggered something in my mind. There's moments I forgot, but didn't... and there's moments that I will never forget. It's haunting. It brings back other memories, moments, amazing ones... one's that I'll never forget because there was something amazing that happened - I just need to figure that out.

1 comment:

AB said...

keep your head up!

being near the bottom means the only way to move is up