Monday, September 7, 2009


I've always taken pride in my independence. My inability to depend on others- more like my fear of ever depending on anyone. My strength, my need to take care of myself. It's what defines me.

That Weeds quotes speaks to me: "I can't rely on men. It doesn't mean I don't love them. It doesn't mean I walk away. It just means that I adjusted my expectations. Men are weak."

But the truth is... I can't rely on men. I can't let myself. I try not to atleast.

I understood what this meant for me and my ideas on relationships. I understood that this is the reason I built a wall, this is the reason why I was scared to allow myself into relationships. It's the reason why I'm too scared to feel. I think I just wanted to find the guy that I could rely on...

I guess I never thought about what this meant for the men in my life. The ones that actually care and actually want to take care of me- but me being me, I don't let them. I never thought about what it would mean until last night. And now it's running through my head. And now... I'm really not sure what to think...

Saturday, September 5, 2009


It's funny. How things end up. How things don't work out. And how sometimes they do.

I love drawing. But my best work comes from a dark place. I have to put myself in a dark place. It's hard. It's somewhat unhealthy. I'm not sure what to do. I think that I let myself get in a dark place because of recent events. I could have brushed it off and walked away, but I let it happen. I'm not sure why I let it happen, but I did. I think it's human behavior, sometimes we just need to feel pain.

I'm done with feeling that way now. I have anger- I won't lie. Those actions that effect me- it makes me angry. I think to myself- "how can someone be such a f'n idiot" or "how does someone have the nerve." I need to let go of that anger. I'm working on it but seriously, people got nerve. Seriously.

"ici et maintenant" - it's on my ring and I wear it all the time. I have this thing... I have to wear it or I feel like my day will fall apart. And before I felt this way I just felt naked without it until a horrible day had come. There's something about it. I know it's silly but I never take it off anymore- almost never.

It means "here and now" in French. Here and now. Live in the here and now. It's simple. Direct. But sometimes I think to myself... How about when the here and now isn't how you want it to be. It's a weird statement. And I don't even think it's at all logical. But sometimes it's just necessary.

Things are sometimes just necessary. We can't always be logical. We shouldn't be. That's not how life works.