routine.

Okay I know this is my third time mentioning it. Possibly more than that, just in various forms of words... something's missing, something's off. It's not the same.

Most things I do in life I do in a pattern. I do things a certain way. Routine. I think we all have little quirks, its human nature.

When I make peanut butter and jelly sammiches it goes like this:
1. Take out two slices of bread, held together.
2. As I throw them into the toaster I flip them both over.
3. Pull the bread out and lay them onto a paper towel.
4. Put peanut butter on the right slice.
5. Then I usually put the jelly on the left slice or sometimes I like to put the jelly on top of the peanut butter, just depends.

Okay, I know that was very detailed and irrelevant to where I'm trying to get at, but I have a point.

I just came from downstairs, doing my routine of making myself a peanut butter and jelly sammich, except not... I totally screwed up step 4. I realized it after the fact... I started to put the peanut butter on the left slice.

I know this might seem small and stupid... and ridiculous, but hear me out...

Patterns, routines... isn't that what keeps us all together? I used to ALWAYS wear the necklace that my maa got me from Hong Kong - ALWAYS. I only stopped when I got my tattoo because I didn't want it to irritate my tattoo. The days that I would forget to put it on... it would totally throw me off. I felt "naked."

It's funny because I still keep it with me in my purse.

Falling out of routine... it makes us feel off, strange, unrecognizable. Picking up a new routine can carry the same feelings. But in ways, when you pick up a new routine it's because you're dropping another.

When does a new "routine" truly become a routine?

I think I have an easier time picking up new routines than I do dropping routines. For instance, this summer it was so easy for me to get used to working at Apple and driving to Bellevue and hanging out with completely different (yet amazing) people. It became natural, normal, and routine. It became a part of me.

Yet, dropping that routine - it was difficult. It made me feel ridiculous, lost and gave me a sense of longing.

When I got back to Pullman... being in the warm weather with the warm sun and walking in the warm weather. That was an easy routine to stick to. Now the sun is dimming, the air is getting colder and the routine is getting harder to follow.

Usually when people start relationships - it's easy to get to comfortable and spend more time together. But when people end relationships its hard to stop that... it's hard to stop seeing each other so often and stop talking so often. That's why it's so hard for some couples to just end it... that's why I think it can sometimes be impossible for ex's to stay friends.

quickly and suddenly.

I've been sick. I hate being sick. The life of me gets sucked out so quickly and suddenly - leaving no time for preventative maintenance.

Orbie was in town. I missed him. Real talk.

My life never seems to go the way I'd like it to. A lot is going on right now and it sucks because I can't really do much. Preventative maintenance has passed. And what do you do when there's not much to maintain and the harder you try to hold it all together it all just keeps slipping through the cracks? That's my life.

I hate to be a downer. I hate that I can't always be happy. But like I said before, happiness is a feeling that cannot truly be achieved. Yet still I try. I try to feel things that aren't always there or maybe I try not to feel things that are there. In either case, what's wrong with feeling the way you do? I know I'm not the only one.

A few weeks ago I said that something was missing. I still feel that. It's weird. I feel different like I haven't been myself and I've been acting in ways that I usually wouldn't. I feel strange. And of course the whole point is that I don't know what's missing. No clue.

While Orbie was in town we had some real talk. Then he brought up my old blog or should I say my old deadjournal. Gross, I just came back from reading some of it. I couldn't keep reading, it was ridiculous. I always look back and think about how stupid I acted and felt and sounded... will I ever look back and think... there's an intelligent, amazing person?

aged yet refreshed.

During the last week before my birthday I did a few memorable things:
- Cut off 12 inches of my hair and I plan to donate it to Pantene towards Women of Cancer.
- Watched How I Met Your Mother with Papa Dima!
- Went to Luu's apartment and hung out with him and some of his friends.
- Gave myself Columbus Day off and prior to driving back to Pullman I went back to Luu's and watched Smart Guy!

Okay so quick recap of my birthday:
Tuesday night I went out and amazing people bought me drinks. Got wasted and then too wasted that I forgot I shouldn't smoke and puked all over the place. Thursday night was legit - it better happen again tomorrow. Today was okay, I had a party that was pretty legit. Then everyone decided to leave and ... well they forgot to include two birthday people!!!! And some people didn't have a ride away from my house so I was stuck. I wanted to go to MIKES!!! WTF!

So the night ended UN-legit. I'm mad. I'm sad.

I talked to Will Dean on the phone. Interesting...

I talked to Monte through text. I miss him. He's stuck with me. And well... there's something about him... and he knows it. I don't think I could live without him, it already sucks that he's in California and not there when I'm back in Bellevue. Lame.

I need to see him. I'm going to book my flight ... SOON!!!

I'll be sleeping on Monte's bed and I'll be all his. :)



I don't know. Right now, I feel lame... I feel sad. I feel like... I'm not in control and I don't feel like I'm ready for anything. I know I can't exactly say anything, but it just sucks to know, you know. I got tricked. Or wait, I let myself be tricked. But I tried not to. I never made the move, I never asked, I never approached, I never did anything. Lame. This is where it all gets me.

Why? Oh why!?

I have legit friends. I think I just... I'm having a bad night. I wanted to go out. I can't wait for tomorrow. Except for the fact that I need to clean, a shit load. Oh well.

Seriously... SERIOUSLY?!? I'd be fine. I'm fine. I just think I'm drunk or anxious or needy right now. Life goes on. People aren't who you think they are. I don't know how I let myself become this way because I remember CLEARLY that ... my mind, when it all happened, thought, "it's just fun." And honestly I wanted someone else. I wanted to try something else. And I settled. I SETTLED! There... think back, it's never what I wanted. I have something else going on here and it complete fun.

And tomorrow better be legit. Done deal.

Raw and All Grown Up.

In a week I turn the big 21. As usual, every year before my birthday I like to reflect on the years past and highlight the good and the bad. The moments that I remember most and the moments I feel help define me and bring me to the point that I stand at now.

I think last year I listed/coded a series of events during certain periods of my life. I want to try something different this time.

Here's my blog from last year.-->

It's strange. I'm finally turning 21 - it seems to be the age that kids wait for. It's true independence. For a few moments I want to look forward - I want to see what's ahead of me and realize how exciting the next year of my life will be. Being 21 is going to be a crazy ride, crazier than my life has ever been, I know it. I know it because my life has already been crazy, but the events and moments that are about to unfold in the coming year will be amazing - amazingly crazy, fun, ridiculous, bad, different. I just know because I'll be in a state of mind that I've never experienced or even imagined.

In the next 12 months so much is bound to happen. I'm excited to go to San Francisco in November. And if all goes well, I'll be headed to LA in December. In March, my first true niece will be turning One. Next thing you know it'll be May and I'll be done with this place forever - it'll be the biggest relief of my life. If all goes well I'll be traveling to Spain in June and once I get back I'll be moving to California, searching for a job and a completely different life. It'll be the first time I'll really be away from my family because six hours is not really being away - trust me. Next thing you know, I'll be turning 22.

But let's look to the past for a bit. This will be interesting. I want to reflect on everything. More than I did last year - deeper than last year.

I can remember exactly how I started off my 20th birthday. I was with Rei, Rick, Marco, and John - I miss that. Those were amazing times and all of us together was just amazing. Faye and Philip brought me a DQ cake exactly at midnight - Rei and I ate that thing slowly for a month or so - so good. This wasn't too long after the car crash, about 2-3 weeks or so. I think I let that car crash define this last year for me - the beginning at least.

Ms. Amy Rainwater came to visit Pullman for an entire week. I miss her. That was an amazing week. Good shit. Common show, FASA formal that I didn't really go to, but I did go in jeans, and... days of absolutely ignoring any of my responsibilities.

A lot of these months are seriously blurry for me. I can't remember much. I had no great love affairs. I didn't have too much going on at all. I just lived my days - nothing too special. I remember being unhappy and grumpy a lot during the Fall. I also remember when I used to get coffee from Starbucks every day and the holiday season decorations went up and gingerbread lattes were being sold - that brightened my day, "I love the holidays." I remember saying that. I remember the smile I had on my face.

Rei's graduation. Amazing night. Well actually me and Rick knocked out at my house when we were supposed to pick up. Instead we enjoyed some sinigang and what was supposed to be a quick smoke. Hah. Good times.

I had quit Dissmores. Started working at the helpdesk in January and I really liked it at first. I realized I like working with customers as much as customer service sucks ass sometimes. I went to visit my brother in New York and Lyna was born a few days after I left.

Next thing you know - it's summer. Summer was pretty amazing. I think summer was the happiest I had ever been in a long time. I never thought of the accident, I never thought about the bad things that had happened - it was all just good. It was my second living experience with Janice and of course it was the most amazing time we've ever had together. I know she misses me. I lived with two other boys, Mark & Mike - that was interesting, but it was fun. We all had fun - fondest memory was when we went to Kent Station for a movie and we all felt like we were on vacation in California. It did, it felt like a vacation - that's an amazing feeling.

I started work at Apple. Amazing. I met some of the most amazing people I will ever encounter. & I've said this before, but some of these people are going to be stuck with me for the rest of their lives. It was a great experience, working for Apple - it made me learn a lot. It made me learn a lot that a classroom could never teach me about technology. Not many computer scientists and other engineers work retail - no joke - so how could they really know what a customer likes. They're just guessing and thinking of themselves, but seriously... seriously computer scientists and engineers are definitely not the average shopper - definitely not. It was just interesting. I liked it - I liked the environment of the customers and the technology - even the crazy iPhone customers.

Two of my Seven amazing moments occurred during the summer. Another one occurred only weeks later.

Like I said... I met some amazing people through Apple.

Movie nights at the Condo were always fun. My first movie night was Sweeney Todd - Dima and I planned a night to hang out because we were both always busy and we wanted to have a session outside. It was a good night. I think my next movie night was Surf Ninjas and Spice Girls - that was an amazing night. I never would have guessed, imagined, or thought - intense, unbelievable and completely amazing. Pineapple Express was the beginning of Go Team - Monte already knows he's stuck with me for life. I definitely couldn't concentrate that night, if you ask me what the movie was about, I really couldn't tell you. There was too much going on in my head and well the "Go Team" really got to me.

Backtracking. That was legit. Monte, Dima, and myself - I don't think we'll ever be able to top that amazing conversation or should I say conversations.

An amazing weekend during the summer was when Faye visited me in Renton/Bellevue. And of course a night that I'll never forget was when Luu and I had various sessions, both feeling completely antsy all night and taking a walk to the park -sitting on the swings, smoking and enjoying it all. Amazing.

My first tattoo that I love and couldn't be happier about.

Getting into another accident. That is where I began to spend a lot of my time, a lot of my night at the condo. Sleeping on the floor and waking up to Will's metal rock. Oh and my hate for golf stems.

One day I remember at Apple was the day that I was ridiculously upset. I never told anyone why my day sucked so much, but people could tell I was in a bad mood. It was a text that I had got. I was upset with myself. That was the day I realized that there must be something else going on in my head. There's something going on in my life that I just didn't realize yet. It was a good thing. It just happened in a weird way.

My last amazing moment of the year was me and Faye's amazing night that should have been a movie. I never felt better or happier in my life. It was the highest high I've ever felt. The duo that no one else understands.

And to finish off was Mae's party. The night that just couldn't end for me. Celebration of Life. This night picked me up.

So to end this off I want to reflect on the years before, not the events and moments, but on me. How I've grown and possibly not so much.

One thing similar about last years blog and my mentality now is my viewpoints on falling in love and love in general. Hasn't changed. I still think happiness is key, but I still haven't figured out what constant I need in my life to secure that happiness. I'll find it. Or shall I say, it'll find me.

I've always loved California. Wish I never had to move away from San Francisco, but I know I'd be completely different if I didn't grow up in Silverdale. I've always said that I'm going to move back down there... it'll happen, soon enough. Back to Plan A. I can't stand Washington any longer.

I grew up in a somewhat religious household. Went to church practically every Sunday. Got pretty "religious" in high school and then somehow I lost it all. Still haven't found it. I still consider myself Catholic and I hold many of the beliefs. I just... I fight with religion a lot, because I don't fully understand it all yet. Possibly I never will.

I'm not always right. I'm not always on my best behavior. I'm human. I make plenty of mistakes, but I learn each and every day. I learn more and more about myself and the people around me. Everything I do in my life, I see nothing wrong with it. I can see how others may find it horrible or illegal or simply wrong, but it's my life and I'm only being me the best way I know how. I can't ask for forgiveness when I'm just trying to be me.

I used to say that I didn't think people could change. People grow - that's the truth. I think people can change for themselves, but only for themselves. I don't think people can change for anyone else whether its a friend, parents, or a significant other. It goes back to the fact that... you can only be you the best way you know how - I think it goes for everyone - and how can you ask for forgiveness when you're only being yourself, how can you change when you're only being you. It's different when you start to lose yourself and you don't know who you are anymore - it happens, it happens in moments for me - that's when change is necessary, but it only works if you realize it yourself.

I'm still shy and awkward. I'm still very to myself at times. I have become quite more vocal and quite more outgoing. I'm still laid back and very unique. In three words: Independent, Indecisive, Raw.

Independent: I hate to rely on others. I don't mind being by myself or being alone every now and then. I need to be by myself sometimes. I like to stand on my own two feet. I like to pick myself up when I fall. I like to fall by throwing myself down rather than allowing others to throw me down.

Indecisive: It's horrible, I know. I've never been good at making decisions. It's me though and I get through it and that makes all the difference.

Raw: Dictionary definition - strong and undisguised, open. It's just that. I'm strong. Raw - it's such a strong word really - open minded, open book, real, no cover ups, true to one self, true to the reality around me.

Just a few more days and I'm 21. Weird.

Getting farther with my wall. I like it. Still not done.


Rocky - he's such a stud sometimes, but then again he's kind of freakish. He actually is a freak... he'll be in Pullman for a month after the weekend, that'll be interesting.

thoughtful. thoughtless.

Addressing my last post - it's not just girls it can be guys too. It happens. There's just those two roles. The role of the one who cares more and takes it to a deeper place. Then of course there's the role of it's just fun, exciting, and nothing more. I get stuck in between both roles. Most of the time I like to play the latter. But sometimes my head gets caught and I drift off.

I usually tell myself that it wouldn't work. Whoever the guy may be... it just wouldn't work. Why you ask? I have go idea other than the fact that I suck at relationships. I think I need to find someone that I can have that fun mentality with yet let it become more without losing any of the good, new, exciting feelings. And maybe I just need to think for once that it could possibly work.

Janice and I were talking.

Fun randomness keeps things amazing.

Holding hands, random kisses, hugs - it's all companionship. It's feeling that your not alone and that someone wants your company and you have theirs. It changes the dynamic. It makes it less of just a sex situation and makes it more real. It takes more out of you.

Sex is about having fun. Relieving stress. Feeling something good inside that you can't get anywhere else. And afterwards nothing matters. Its just that.

An old conversation I had with Adrian was about cheating.

What constitues as cheating? I think it differs from person to person. From relationship to relationship. Does making out count? I used to think so. But having sex with another isn't a question. That's where my mind wanders off to feeling guilty. And what point in a relationship can cheating even exist? Emotional cheating? Do you believe in it? Getting your emotional fix from someone other them your significant other. I dont believe in it. It's just a way to blame someone else for your insecurities.

I think "emotional betrayal" might occur mostly with long distance relationships. Long distance? I don't think I'd ever be able to handle one and in my own opinion... open relationships are the key to long distance. Unless you have trouble separating sex from "love."

Janice and I also talked about "fill in boyfriends." Strange concept but it happens. And I think its easier.

I tend to throw guys in the friend zone as they might like to call it. It's because its easier for me. I noticed that. It's the persistent ones that get me. Or the ones that make the moves without fear. Because I tend to reject others. But it's not always the case. Yet I never make the move. Rarely. Ya never.

I like guys for their amazingness. His laugh, smile. Ability to notice the uniqueness I have. His stories. His uniqueness. His surprises. His ideals. His acceptance. You jump, I jump, Jack - it'll happen. For now... fun, excitement, and no strings.

"Girls are Stupid."

Last night was legit.

Adrian and I decided that I need to write a book... & hand it out to a few ladies.

Title: Girls are Stupid.

Chapter 1: Sex & Dating.

The truth is, guys don't lead on girls, girls lead themselves on. People choose to believe what they want and its always easier to blame someone else rather than yourself. Therefore, girls tend to blame guys for their heartache and pain. They choose to blame the guy for something they created and wanted in their heads - and in their head alone.

Reality: guys can't be used.

It's just sex. If the guy says nothing about a relationship, its just sex. Take it for what it is or find someone that you think wants the same thing as you.

Best practice: it's just fun. "I needed to relieve the stress."

If you're sleeping in his bed, you better be giving something in return. Or else get the fuck out.

Of course, there are exceptions.

If you think you can change him, think again. You can't change him into wanting something or being something else. And just think about it, do you really want to try that hard?

Monogamy? There's no such thing anymore. Marriage? A way for people to help define their relationship.

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Relating that all back to myself... I can get stupid. I can get caught up in moments especially amazing ones. But that's what I live for. And well... I keep it mostly to myself and moments later I'm back to my normal self. Most the time... it's just fun. Amazing fun & that's truly what I live for.

I've been getting asked this question... "do you have a boyfriend?" or "are you dating someone?" Me have a boyfriend, no way. I can't. I won't. As much as I fool myself sometimes, it wouldn't work. I suck at relationships. I'm better at that right there, what's up there. I'm fine with that.

Last night was fun. I actually drank more than I thought I would. I actually got to dance - I like to dance - I just don't usually. The night just couldn't end for me. And honestly, I think I partied all night :) it was just fun. Pink panty droppers were delicious (too bad I wasn't wearing pink panties, darn, wore them the wrong night! haha) - and Crane kept feeding those to me and making me down them. Damn. I'm getting ready for my birthday and... it's feeling good.

ridiculous & lost

Status: feels pretty damn ridiculous & lost. Something is missing in my life...

There's people and things and situations and feelings that I miss, but it's not the same as feeling that something is missing. I have no idea what it is. There's a lot that I wish could be different in my life, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about feeling empty and numb. There's something I'm not feeling that should be there or at least feels like it should be there. I just don't feel like myself right now. It's strange. I've never really felt like this before. And I'm definitely not sure that's a good thing. I don't like this new feeling.

As much as I can "explain" myself in writing the way that I do... I still don't understand myself. I know what things would make me happier, content, and would give me in return what I want, possibly need, but I don't and I'm not sure why. I think it's because I think I fuck it all up and run away - but then why would I run the other way, shouldn't I be running towards it all?

I've been in a weird funk.

Last night I actually went to sleep earlier than usual. That's what I get for taking naps all week and then sleeping at 2 in the morning. That's another weird thing, my sleeping pattern. I don't like it.

So I had the strangest of dreams. I think I remember what happened, but my dreams are usually kind of fucked up where places and people change instantly. Or at least that's how I remember it.

I can't remember if the following part came first or last or if it was even all one dream, but anyway... apparently it's Faye's birthday and we're having a party or something for her. Me, Angeline, & FAYE go to the the store to buy all the supplies like paper plates, napkins, and silverware among other things. (Nothing too interesting, but me, Angeline, & Faye - strange).

So Will came back into town & possibly Monte. For some reason I was at the Arcega household in Silverdale, but the weird thing - it wasn't actually their house that I know, completely different, but apparently in my dream I just knew it was their house. Okay so I remember Faith being there. Anyway me and Will are sitting on the couch hanging out and then TJ comes over. Of course he does his "No Boys!" bit.

Next thing I remember, the house becomes someone else's house. No idea what we're doing there and it's only me and two other people. Those two other people change into so many different people because I can't remember exactly who it was. I think it was Luu, Monte, Will, and Marco at one point. So we're snooping around in this person's house and I get all antsy and I say "really we should go before they get home."

The guys tell me not to worry and then we finally leave after I keep bugging them. We pass the stairs and Jose is the security guard for the house! Haha, he doesn't care and I walk outside and the owner drives by and is about ready to kill us!

I remember waking up after that and looking straight at Choco-hung and saying "that was weird, just weird" over and over to him. Because it was... the most random people. The most random story lines. Makes no sense. I can't make sense of this dream. It wasn't even an entertaining dream, it was just fuckin' weird.

Usually I can figure things out with my dream. I can make sense of something. Or at least it's entertaining in story line.