Monday, December 22, 2008

Plans. Unplanned.

I've always hated the snow. I've never been a fan. And playing in it - I honestly don't find it too amazing, I think I end up enjoying the bond you make with your friends and the memories you create. It's not the same. It's not like it used to be - everyone all in the same neighborhood ready to throw snowballs at each other or build a snow speed bump or just run around and make snow angels.

The drive to Silverdale pretty much sucked because of the snow. Sean and Nicole kept me company though, I don't think I could've done that one by myself. The drive to Renton was pretty long as well, but it was with Janice so it didn't really matter. Now I feel stuck here with nothing to do. I've been back for break for an entire weekend, but I haven't seen anyone.

So plans are somewhat set for LA. I think it'll be an interesting road trip and I'm happy I'll have Nikki with me. I wonder if asking my parents to take the CRV would be bad? Maybe I'll start with my mom and see what happens. Haha, hey I'm getting older, but I do have a bad record with cars.

Once this snow passes I'm excited for the break to roll out. I'm excited to see Luu, Foss, Papa Dima, and Ori. It'll be a good gathering of everyone again. I miss all of them! And of course once I make it over to LA then I'll get to see my teammate Monte and Mr. Willy Dean. Not only that, but Nikki and I will be terrorizing Pullman style, haha. And Sean and hopefully Rick as well.

Christmas will be interesting. This is the first year that I haven't been too hyped for the holidays. I think it's because it didn't turn out at all how I expected it to be. I thought that I'd be holding a plane ticket already bound for LA during New Years. I thought it'd be working at Apple making a few extra bucks and spending time with some amazing people (yet of course, some not so amazing people too). I thought I'd be living in Renton being able to go out to see everyone. This whole economy thing is quite a bummer too - it makes it only depressing. Oh and something small, but this used to cheer me up last year - a Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks, but they replaced it with the Gingersnap Latte, which I don't find as gratifying.

Yet once this break is over I'll be starting my final semester at Washington State University. I'll be graduated in May and ready to start working. I've been looking around, I just hope something works out. I told Nikki to just move to California with me, it'd be amazing if she did. Amazing.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sudden Power.

The power of the internet. It's crazy the things you can do. Rick and I were trying to figure out what glasses were on the face of Q-Tip in a picture we saw. We had no idea what they were called and Rick just recognized them from hip-hop artists of the 80's. We were staring at Cazals, which we cleverly navigated our way through Google to figure out. I actually like their glasses, especially CazalxDita. When I finally have money I'll treat myself - hopefully thats after I graduate, just hopefully.

The power of words. Wording. The power of feelings.

The power of expressing your feelings with words typed on a computer or phone through blog or text. We've become quite cryptic. I remember when saying "Have fun." in a text didn't actually mean have fun - it meant I actually hope you don't have fun and I hope you keep thinking about what you did wrong. Hah, being in relationships, but that was always stupid - that's why I hated relationships. I am a victim of being able to easily express myself through these typed words rather than face to face, but I'm working on it. I think I'm getting there where I can say what I want, how I feel, what I think. Of course, only if necessary - I still have my pride, which holds a different set of words to be expressed.

I say you're ridiculous because that's honestly how I feel.

I say you make me feel ridiculous because you do and well no one's ever made me feel quite this ridiculous in a long time. Yet this time - it's different - it's amazing, no matter what. What does it all mean? Nothing, absolutely nothing. What were my intentions? To jump once, do something crazy and different. To live a little.

I say you amaze me because the things you do are only things I wish I could do.

I say you scare me because I care for you. And well I don't want to be responsible for all the terrible things that could occur.

I say I'll miss you and really I will. Without you around, it's not going to be the same, but of course people grow and we keep moving forward. There's nothing else we can do about it.

I say... I love you. You must be special, damn special.

I'm staring out the window right now. Seeing the sparkling snow - I never noticed it before. Me and Rick were out having a cigarette earlier in my garage. Then we stepped outside for a few minutes and started staring at the sparkling snow. It was crazy. Never seen it before. An amazing site, but I still hate snow. Definitely hate it and wished it would just go away.

I know very little about myself. But it just takes some searching. The people around me are links to knowing more about myself. The sparkling snow is the amazing things that I never noticed before - appearing suddenly, beautifully and amazingly. Words expressed, not very defining or foretelling, but listen deeply you'll learn about the past, possibly the present and thoughts that pass and go. What have you learned?

But wait... where does the boundary of being honest get crossed?

Saturday, December 13, 2008


Each day surprises me.

I miss how things were. I'll continue to miss how things were, but we're all growing up, moving on, and forgetting more.

Meeting new people, re-meeting old friends, meeting people that you'll never meet again. How do you choose, how do they choose you - do any of us actually choose at all?

Friends come and go, but when do you know that the friendship is worth fighting for? What issues do you deal with and what issues do you ignore? When do you say this is about me not you? When do you say you're just ridiculous and push it aside?

I met these people when I was in elementary school, junior high, and high school. Most of them went and well, the best ones stuck around. I met these people when I was younger as my brother's friends. I met them again, but this time as my own friends, my own family. I met these people when I started college and started getting my foot in the door, some have already gone, but some are still around and only time will tell.

The clock has started ticking.

I've never told a friend before that they were making it difficult for us to be friends, that they were acting ridiculous. At least never until about a few days ago. The thing is... I don't regret it at all. I honestly was very impressed that I was being that completely honest and open and at same time not just being a bitch. I honestly had nothing else to say - I still have nothing else to say.

I'm now just getting to that age where I can take a trip with my friends if I want to or take a trip by myself to see someone or something. When I was younger I didn't take trips without my parents or my siblings. I didn't visits to see my old friends after I moved. I'm finally starting to do that or getting to the planning portion. I'm excited, very excited. There's Europe this summer, which will be amazing and unforgettable. Tulalip for Jomel's birthday in January - it's a small one, but it's going to be AMAZING. A potential trip to Las Vegas and Los Angeles during Spring Break.

And another potential, still in my mind, really unsure trip to Los Angeles in January. I just wish things didn't have to be complicated. I just wish I knew 100% why I was going and was 100% sure that I should.

So I'm at the end of dead week and completed two of my classes. That's seven more left to graduate - three more for this semester. I'm excited and nervous - I get nervous for those damn tests. It's Jomel's last semester, last week actually - he will own the civil engineering field and make lots of money and not forget the Cua's. That really changes the dynamic for next semester... it'll be another interesting one.

This finals week will be interesting too, I have no idea what one of my finals will be like - the teacher cancelled class all week and a lot of times throughout the semester, jerk. Next semester will be cake and hopefully I can find a job so I'll know where I'm going and what I'm doing - applying is hard, selling myself is hard, I think I should just be super high when I'm interviewing - I noticed I can explain things 50 times better.

Last night Rick was asking me to explain what a MINODE and an inode was... it has to do with my systems programming course and I explained it to him, but I was able to explain it so clearly and using similes. To my teachers and TAs and professionals ask me things I blank out or unsure or I just get tongue tied. I need to work on that, but the material is too boring. Just too boring! Haha.

Oh well life gets boring sometimes. The time is now.

Oh and I was listening to the new Maroon 5 Remix CD... it's pretty amazing. & I'm watching Apple Visualizer so that helps. I'm just in a good mood. Other songs in the mix right now are Musiq's new CD - not a big fan, what's he trying to do? And Brandy - which I'm still trying to decide on.

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Concept.

This weekend I went into a complete mind boggling trip. Looking at the world with new eyes and not remembering the simple ways the world works.

Have you ever tried to look at something with new eyes? Forgetting anything you've ever been taught before and forgetting any previous facts, thoughts, or ideas. "It's hard, it's fucking hard." (Six Feet Under)

I was confused. The concept of living, the concept of dying, the concept of friends, the concept of time, the concept of school, the concept of sleeping and waking up... the concept of being with someone else.

I try to look at things with new eyes. I try to see things in a different light with an open mind, but of course there's always that part of me that's truly myself.

The concept of living and dying, sleeping and waking - all of it - depends on the person. I think it's important to understand your own concept because its reason.

My concept of living is to one day jump and to constantly ask what the concept of dying is. The concept of friends is companionship and to have others jump with you. The concept of sleeping and waking is to keep sane. The concept of being with someone else... I still haven't figured it out.

It always comes back to finding that someone. I'm not sure if society pushes the idea that a lot of life is about finding someone to love and someone that will love you.

I've always said that I suck at relationships. I'm not sure where that all started. Maybe it was from the moment I ever got close to a guy and I noticed things can easily get awkward. Or maybe its the time that I realized getting dumped sucks and the many times that I noticed dumping guys isn't all that awesome either. Or maybe its the time that I realized I have no self control and easily give into temptations and being loyal to yourself is much harder than being loyal to others.

Some people believe that finding that someone is about completing themselves. Or finding that someone is about helping oneself grow. Or maybe that finding that someone is about finding happiness. Or simply taking the jump.

I like to think of the jump as something different... not always someone or that someone, but something amazing and thrilling that makes you feel like you are literally on top ready to jump searching for the ground below you.

I think finding that someone is not about completing yourself or finding out more about yourself in someone else. I think it's about feeling comfortable, knowing exactly who you are and that that someone will love you, accept you, and honor you for exactly that.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Dropped, Fooled, & Teased.

As human beings interacting with human beings we get pulled around, dropped, fooled, and teased. It's true, we all do it to each other, but it sucks when you're being the one tugged around. The thing is... I need to learn to prepare myself for failure. Success does not come easy and I'll definitely be facing a ratio of 50:1 (failures:successes). I just need to learn to deal with it and stay on my toes ready to change my plans at any moment.

I'm a planner, I always have been, but the strange thing is that I'm not much of a committer. I hate commitment, maybe that's why I suck at relationships. I hate feeling like I can't just instantly change my mind. Planning is difficult sometimes because how can you really plan for change. We never know what will change around us, but things are always changing and as we are all growing older, things are changing quicker than ever before.

I look back at pictures. I see the changes we've all made since I was in high school. Even since I first came to WSU... a lot has changed. And even more recent, this summer... everything change so quickly it was crazy. I think that's why I had such a good time this break even though things weren't remotely the same, it was good to be around the familiar.

I used to always say that people never change. I'm not sure if I still agree 100%, but I still see some truth in the statement. Have I changed? I like to think I've grown, but never truly changed... the people that really know me from before - still know me as that same person, there's just some things that are a little different.

More recent "changes" and constant "changes" that I've noticed are feelings, perceptions, and emotions.

Feelings. My feelings change quickly. I wish for something more without admitting it. I act like I don't really care, but in fact I do. I try to think of simple when it all seems complicated. I get over it. There you go again, reappearing, but this time around I still care, I still wish for more in the future and I still think simple, but it's different, it's subtle, it's fun.

Other times I get bored. But maybe it's like I said before it's about feeling in control, because right now I feel out of control.

How do you know when something is right? When something is worth risking? When it's time for you to make the change instead of letting everything before you change ?

It's strange. The way my mind works. The way all our minds work. The things that we let ourselves believe.

I haven't really come to the point in my life where changes around me have caused me to change my own plans. I know that point is coming soon enough. I haven't had the freedom to really change my own plans, but it'll happen. It'll be interesting especially since I'm very indecisive in the smallest of decisions, but I think it'll help me grow. So I'm ready. I'm prepared for it all. Omnia Paratus.

This is regarding everything: life style, relationships, commitment, location, job, friends, family, endings, beginnings, failures, successes...

Something bad for me (Dropped, Fooled, Teased) leads to the jump that I've been waiting for.