control.

"...and reason is a spark at the beating of our hearts." Wisdom 2:2

I used to pride myself on the wall I could build, the feelings that I didn't feel, and my ability to stay in control.

I usually have a reason for why I am the way I am. My fear of spiders and bugs comes from the enormous spider bite on my eye I got from camping. My hate for snow comes from falling in it face first when I was a baby. And I had theories on my reasons for never falling in love and being able to not fall in love. I never was too sure.

I'm still not sure, but I'm coming up with more and more theories.

I like to feel in control, who doesn't. I rarely lose myself. At least, I never let others see me out of control. But my head, it's always been fucked up and out of control.

My first boyfriend, well actually he wasn't even my first boyfriend, he was that first guy - he was at a time probably one of my best friends. We're still really good friends, but our friendship has been complicated since the day I met him. At many times, I had lost him as a friend, it could have been many reasons, but one of the main ones, the feelings we felt and didn't feel - it all got in the way. I'll never understand him. But the fact is - almost always, I never felt in control of our relationship or our friendship.

This other guy, we also became best friends. He was probably more fucked up in the head than I am now. Pretty much, keeping the story short, I had no control of this situation. He was mentally unavailable to say the least.

Other times, I felt in control. I never had to try so hard. But of course something was always missing, it never felt right and I never felt like 'this is amazing.'

So like I said, I tried something thrilling, fun, possibly stupid and bad this summer, but it was worth it. Every step, breath, touch... I'm revealing more and more of myself. There's something about feeling like you have no control that's different than all the rest. It's exhilarating and new. And as ridiculous as times can get, it's that much more worth it. It's the moments you'll never forget. I needed that.

But when does it all come together... when does the 'you jump, i jump Jack' - 'climb up here with me' - thrilling, fun, stupid, bad and different all just come together?

I've never truly loved someone. I've never fallen in love. I sat out on the deck again today listening to music off my iPhone and I noticed every other songs mentions love - what does it truly feel like to love someone? What does it take for me to love? I watched Made of Honor today, strange movie, but I liked it. He couldn't even say 'I Love You' to anyone except for dogs. I'm not that bad and I'm not saying that when I say 'I Love You' to someone, it means nothing. Everyone has a different meaning of love, for some can love so quickly and easily and others may never love at all. I just want to know what it'd feel like, I want to know my meaning. Obviously I'll just have to wait and see.

Other notes:
- I haven't spent a weekend in Pullman for a while. It's weird. I got so used to going back and chillin' at the condo. I took a shot of tequila last night and I also drank a beer - I also had to be the "D.D." It was fun and I got too see an old crush from high school/freshmen year so that was pretty amazing. Definitely should have made my move. HAH. But my night was good and well... I felt good. Of course, I knocked out on Marco's couch like I always used to... oh well. "It's not the same."
- 18 days until I turn 21 years old. I'm excited, but... I just hope its a better year. A much, much better year. A lot happened this year, good and bad, more bad than good. I wouldn't take it back for the world, but... I just hope it gets better because the year before that wasn't too hot either.

heart & eyes.

I finally setup my pictures on my wall, nicely that is. Not done with my wall though, I need something else up there. Just not sure what yet.

I love watching movies and shows. I love 'movie' quotes. I love how fancy people can sound with one or two lines. It's amazing and the only way people should speak. Speak with wisdom, speak with meaning - too bad I have trouble doing that, I usually speak gibberish.

I had this moment at work the other day. I just felt weird - it's hard to explain. My eyes got watery instantly and my heart started to race. I don't know what it is. Or maybe I do, but the fact that it happened and the thoughts going through my head right before it happened... that worries me and I have no idea what its supposed to mean or if it should even matter.

I have a tendency to start a post & never post them. I'm continuing with this post from Wednesday, it's Friday. This week was interesting.

Last night Choco-hung was acting completely strange as if he's not already a weird dog, but he was doing the weirdest thing. He's never done it before. When I got home after work he kept shaking and started climbing onto my desk. At first I thought it was because I was eating chicken but he almost ignored my chicken. So he started to climb up on the window sill and just look out as though he was watching someone go or waiting for someone to come back.

Choco-hung senses things. I know he does. He's a smart dog but he does piss me off sometimes. But I'm trying figure out what this all means. What these strange events in my life are supposed to lead to or merely tell me.

You know how people talk to themselves the most. That's a fact for me. I've been having these conversations in my head lately. I still don't know what I want but I know that I'll be fine. Awkward moments may come. Silent moments may fall. But more happened than I ever imagined. I'm happy. I'm happy with what happened.

""The drinks fortify us. The drinks give us strength. The drinks get us drunk."

I promised Marco I'd drink this weekend. I have three weeks til my birthday. I need to up my tolerance. Uh oh, here I go... it's going to be bad, I know it. Not used to the drinking mindset - hasn't happened in a really long time. It'll be ridiculous, it'll be good. I'll have fun. It's a good time to get wasted. Drunk txting here we go. Haha joking. It'll be stupid and bad. I'm excited.

recap. rethink.

Recapping the weekend:
SYTYCD was fun. Totally late for the show but still got to see some of my favorite routines. Crappy seats but we made it enjoyable. And were practicing for our reenactment for Janice - priceless. Haha.

Friday night: Luu & deck time is always good stuff. On the phone with Faye at the same time was legit. When Monte finally got home... he amazed me. Actually stayed up after a Go Team moment. I'm definitely going to miss him... and he knows it.

Dima is back!!! Got to hear all his amazing stories which only made me jealous. Haha. But it was good times especially when Luu got there. It's good to have Dima back.

Mr. Will Dean is silly. I'll miss him, of course.

Rethinking:
I'm happy with how the weekend went. I'm happy with how things are.

I feel in control. I'm prepared for all things.

& I'm thinking of it this way now...
October = always busy + 21st BIRTHDAY!!
November = Thanksgiving Break = San Francisco!! + Apple?
December = Just a few weeks of school + Winter Break
Spring Semester = CAKE!
Summer & Beyond = Apple + Spain + Real Job Search + California

Other thoughts:
I can't get over it - my friends are amazing. I still don't think I deserve them sometimes.

in omnia paratus.

in omnia paratus. prepared for all things.

"It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different. Isn't this the point of being young? ... People can live a hundred years without really living a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived."

Amazing. I can't explain how amazing that quote is. The day a guy says "climb up here with me" and makes me feel different, good, bad, amazing, thrilled... that'll be my jump.

I tried that this summer... something different, fun, thrilling, possibly bad & stupid. No jump though. No "climb up here with me," but it was an experience that made me really live for more than a minute. No regrets. It was fun while it lasted. And that's what counts. I just need to remind myself of that.

I tell myself I want certain things. I want to feel certain things. I want my emotions to run high with someone else.

The truth... I think that's what I want. Or maybe it's truly what I want. But when it's possible or it happens... I run. I do it all the time. I try not to show my true feelings and when it finally happens I hide and turn away. My feelings make a 180 and I lose myself. I forget what it is I wanted in the first place. Not sure what it would have been this time around but maybe it's better that I don't find out.

What made my head so fucked? I get bored. I'm indecisive. I'm independent. I'm pushed and pulled to finish school. I'm surrounded by amazing friends that I'll keep in my life forever. I'm blessed. I'm smart. I'm scared. I'm shy. I feel undeserving, not smart enough, not good enough. I don't know why though.

Other notes:
- I love Boys and Girls. Amazing movie. She's me. I'm her.
---"We've all been in love, but we never know it's not true love until it's over. So what if Maybe there is no one or two or three or four or five? I mean, what if there is no such thing as true love, and we're just too afraid to admit it, so we keep on dressing up, we keep on pretending to be something that we're not. We keep turning our lives upside down, losing ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think that we are. What if that something that we're looking for just doesn't exist? "
---"I needed to relieve the stress."
- Ne-yo CD is amazing. He did it again but even better.
- Deck time with Luu is always perfect. Faye on the phone = legit. If only she were really there.
- So You Think You Can Dance show tonight. Should be amazing.
- Monte and Will shall be missed. Go Team - amazing true friend and he actually stayed up last night. :)

strange & awkward.

Just a few thoughts from over the weekend:

My life is taking strange and awkward turns.

I don't know why, but my parents seem to feel the need to remind me constantly that I need to finish school. It only makes me feel like I'm doing this whole school thing for only them and no longer for myself. I hate it. I can't wait to get out of here already - when I say here I mean not only Pullman, but Washington in general. I need to get away from them and be on my own. It's definitely necessary right now. I need to be doing things for me and until I'm done with school, I don't feel like that'll be possible. My parents keep pushing too much - don't get me wrong, I love them and I'm grateful for all they do for me, I'm just having trouble figuring out and knowing what it is I want in accordance to them.

When I see him, it's different. "That was weird...", yes I agree it is weird. I don't know what to think sometimes and my feelings change tremendously from the moment I'm here in Pullman to the moment I'm back there. As much as I miss you when I'm not there - I'm definitely going to miss you even more when you move. My pride, it gets in the way. If I threw away my pride I'd pick up the phone right now to say hi, ask how your day went, tell you I'll miss you, and say goodnight. But I won't and I can't, there's no point, no reason. I'm not asking for much, well honestly, I don't know what I'm asking for at all.

I've always been scared to say what's on my mind. Not only now, but always in my life, in any situation. It's always hard for me to express myself and speak out, truly speak out. This is what makes me self cautious. It's something I really need to overcome. Something I really need to work on. It's like I said before, I'm not too good with conflict of any sort.

I saw the new iPod Nano and iPod Touch at the Southcenter store. First note: I still can't get over how small the Southcenter store is, so thankful that Bellevue Square is much bigger even though I still think we need a bigger store. Second: the nanos are very nice - some software features may be missing, but a good change. Third: the touches were given the updates that I knew were coming, speaker and mic... too bad apparently they aren't very good speakers.

I have some of the most amazing friends - old and new.

simple & honest

So I skipped my first class today because simply and honestly I just didn't feel like going.

As I was walking this morning I started to think about happiness. Ever since my 2.5!! car crash (haha) it was all about being happy. I achieved that this summer or should I say I felt it. The pursuit of happyness? Or is it like in jack and jill vs. the world where happiness cannot be pursued rather it's a feeling - no false hope. I think it goes both ways. You don't necessarily pursue happiness but you go for your dreams, your wants, and for some... what others want for you. Whether knowing what you want and going for it makes you happy or finally achieving the things you want makes you happy. Of course there's times when people just aren't satisfied. Or like me... I'm indecisive - my wants are usually very vague and knowing what I want isn't that simple. That's another problem I have.

I think tonight is a night for sinigang. I just saw Phily. It'll be a good night.

a beginning & an ending.

I've decided to start writing again for the following reasons:
1. I feel like I'm going crazy, I need to lay my thoughts out somewhere.
2. I'm super bored right now and homework is not an option.
3. Life is ... ridiculous.
4. Writing last night made me feel amazing afterwards.
5. I've realized a lot - I think this is necessary.

My life is ridiculous, yet I think I'm just complaining, because who doesn't have these terrible rough patches in their life - I just get impatient. I only have one more year left at WSU and I just have to focus and get it over with - "it's time to motherfuckkin' FOCUS." It's definitely easier said than done.

A lot has been on my mind. A lot has happened over the last couple months.

My life philosophy over the last few years has been: "Think Smart. Think Single."
But why? It was even my life philosophy when I was in a serious relationship.

I need to breakdown my thoughts. I need to start letting people understand me, because well maybe... I'll finally start to understand myself.

I don't care what people think of me. But I do care a lot about how my friends and family see me. Because they know me or at least the part of me that lets people know me. It's strange, I was so proud of my wall before, but who needs a wall to block others away - a wall should be there to display your feelings, thoughts, ideas, and everything else that helps to define you in a deeper sense.

Honestly, I don't care much for myself. I think that's my problem. I don't ever think the right guys are interested, I don't ever think guys are interested, PERIOD. I don't think I'm a memorable person. I hate small talk because I don't care about your favorite color or where you're from, I'm more interested in your laugh, the company you give me, the ability to sit in a room in silence with me without making it the least bit awkward (other than the fact that to Monte I am awkward, haha), your ability to let me know more about you through stories and actions, and you making me laugh.

I hate conflict. It doesn't matter if it's small and settle, but I hate conflicting with others. When it happens though, I have too much pride. When it happens, that's when I'm really a bitch. I think I'm getting better at it though or maybe it's the people I'm around. I just like a world without conflict... when its happened a friend was lost and awkward moments arise. Definitely unnecessary.

I've been in my fair share of "relationships." Never been a big fan. I want to be, who doesn't really? I just don't believe them sometimes. I always said I've never fallen in love and I've said that the day I do, he'll be the one. I think it's true for me, I'm not going to fall in love more than once - & honestly I don't think I could ever really know. Maybe Choco-hung is as good as it gets- HAH amazing. But honestly, it's like me and Janice would say, we're not girls - we man up against our brothers. I'm not like most girls and that's why I always say "girls are stupid." (No offense to girls, sorry). I like to think of myself as independent and I hate to see myself even slightly depend on a guy. I'm not saying it's the best thing, definitely not.

Most times, I'd rather not risk losing a friend, especially the great ones that come by. But... that's not completely true - in many ways. Anyway, great ones are sure hard to come by now a days.


Like I said, I'm finishing up school. As much as I hate school I wish I could start all over. I wish I could move, go to a different university, and study something completely different. I don't have any interest in programming or at least what I'm taught here, but I don't want to develop software - boring - unless it was me and Rei's amazing vending machine, haha. That's why when I get out of here, I have no clue what I'm going to do. I kind of think I want it to be that way, I'm tired of all the planning I've always done and had to do. I'm not going to spend my days trying to find a job, if one comes by then so be it. Things will work out and for even better - it'll all just come to me.

So I'm waiting now. Not planning ahead. I'm waiting for it all to come and letting myself learn more about the world, others, and myself. I'm focusing on right now - just trying to get out of here, sitting around with Choco-hung, the homework I just realized is due tomorrow, and the stomach grumbling before me that's craving a PB&J sammich!!

Oh ya a few last notes:
1. iTunes 8 is amazing! Can't wait to see the new iPods.
2. I have to do a health, community, individual 3D animation for me & Sean's first project, we're thinking of focusing on Smoking or Drugs - how ironic. ->
3. The new visualizer on iTunes is unbelievable especially after my nightcap. :)