Expression.

I've had so much on my mind this weekend. I don't think I've ever been so full of emotions, thoughts, ideas, etc. It's strange though, as much as I felt like expressing that emotion through my own body - a tear on my face, a scream out of my mouth - it came out differently than it ever has before. I started to write - a lot, but even better, I started to draw. Really draw, not just doodle, but sketch and I came out with pieces that I love - that speak a lot to me. I'm not sure what anyone else would get from them, but to me - its emotional.

I suck at drawing faces - I can't capture that in my sketches - it's something that I've practiced and haven't yet achieved. But I discovered something - what do you see in a blank face? My own emotions were pulled into the blankness, but the emotion of someone else, someone happier, some feeling completely different than myself, I think their own emotions could easily be pulled. It makes it dynamic. It speaks to the person looking at it, differently than the next.

Explaining Why.

As human beings we go through phases. In and out, we continue to weave ourselves through life, never actually knowing what's in and what's out. It's strange though, when do you know that it's no longer a phase and that your mind won't change in a day, in 10 days, a year, 10 years, 50 years... I guess we don't. I guess we never will, but that's the trick to life. Sometimes you just have to jump blind sighted. But what if one day your mind changes and it's too late -- you can't turn back time and change the past few days or years or decades. It's always a risk, a risk that's best not to be thought of as a risk. It's life.

I used to want a boyfriend. When I was younger especially, but I have a feeling that was society influenced... it had nothing to do with my own wants and realization of the responsibility - it was based on the fact that society tells us we must date around and one day find our true love.

What if I'm never meant to find my true love? What if I do and I don't know it...

I'll continue this later... I'm too tired right now...

This is Why.

This is why I love Fe so much.. instead of everyone else who says, "you're just saying that now," she knows me...

(3:08:02 PM) Nicole Cua: i already knew i didnt like relationships, but i think ive decided that i dont like relationships and i want to be single forever
(3:09:48 PM) Faye Farrales: i feel like.. i've known that
(3:10:00 PM) Faye Farrales: i feel like.. that's you
(3:10:02 PM) Faye Farrales: haha


EOM!

In Hopes.

I thought about it. I think I want it. I think I don't. Then, you just know.

I thought about relationships. My relationships with my friends & family & the people i'm only getting to know. The way my life works, it could be better of course, but overall the way that I live my life- I don't want much to change. I'm independent, stubborn, indecisive, ridiculous, & raw. I feel like that could change, but I also think I could keep that.

Obviously I'm leading to the idea of a companion, a mate. The problem is... when you get that close to someone... when you open up that deep --how do you not begin to care? And that leads to the seriousness, the human rawness, & the deepness of the situation. To survive it, stick with it is a feat that I'm not ready to take. I still haven't quite found me.

And I hate that term : "finding oneself." I think it's that I'm not 100% comfortable with myself. That might be it.

I need to start drawing, conjuring, creating, & producing.