Monday, December 8, 2008

The Concept.

This weekend I went into a complete mind boggling trip. Looking at the world with new eyes and not remembering the simple ways the world works.

Have you ever tried to look at something with new eyes? Forgetting anything you've ever been taught before and forgetting any previous facts, thoughts, or ideas. "It's hard, it's fucking hard." (Six Feet Under)

I was confused. The concept of living, the concept of dying, the concept of friends, the concept of time, the concept of school, the concept of sleeping and waking up... the concept of being with someone else.

I try to look at things with new eyes. I try to see things in a different light with an open mind, but of course there's always that part of me that's truly myself.

The concept of living and dying, sleeping and waking - all of it - depends on the person. I think it's important to understand your own concept because its reason.

My concept of living is to one day jump and to constantly ask what the concept of dying is. The concept of friends is companionship and to have others jump with you. The concept of sleeping and waking is to keep sane. The concept of being with someone else... I still haven't figured it out.

It always comes back to finding that someone. I'm not sure if society pushes the idea that a lot of life is about finding someone to love and someone that will love you.

I've always said that I suck at relationships. I'm not sure where that all started. Maybe it was from the moment I ever got close to a guy and I noticed things can easily get awkward. Or maybe its the time that I realized getting dumped sucks and the many times that I noticed dumping guys isn't all that awesome either. Or maybe its the time that I realized I have no self control and easily give into temptations and being loyal to yourself is much harder than being loyal to others.

Some people believe that finding that someone is about completing themselves. Or finding that someone is about helping oneself grow. Or maybe that finding that someone is about finding happiness. Or simply taking the jump.

I like to think of the jump as something different... not always someone or that someone, but something amazing and thrilling that makes you feel like you are literally on top ready to jump searching for the ground below you.

I think finding that someone is not about completing yourself or finding out more about yourself in someone else. I think it's about feeling comfortable, knowing exactly who you are and that that someone will love you, accept you, and honor you for exactly that.

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