ridiculous & lost

Status: feels pretty damn ridiculous & lost. Something is missing in my life...

There's people and things and situations and feelings that I miss, but it's not the same as feeling that something is missing. I have no idea what it is. There's a lot that I wish could be different in my life, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about feeling empty and numb. There's something I'm not feeling that should be there or at least feels like it should be there. I just don't feel like myself right now. It's strange. I've never really felt like this before. And I'm definitely not sure that's a good thing. I don't like this new feeling.

As much as I can "explain" myself in writing the way that I do... I still don't understand myself. I know what things would make me happier, content, and would give me in return what I want, possibly need, but I don't and I'm not sure why. I think it's because I think I fuck it all up and run away - but then why would I run the other way, shouldn't I be running towards it all?

I've been in a weird funk.

Last night I actually went to sleep earlier than usual. That's what I get for taking naps all week and then sleeping at 2 in the morning. That's another weird thing, my sleeping pattern. I don't like it.

So I had the strangest of dreams. I think I remember what happened, but my dreams are usually kind of fucked up where places and people change instantly. Or at least that's how I remember it.

I can't remember if the following part came first or last or if it was even all one dream, but anyway... apparently it's Faye's birthday and we're having a party or something for her. Me, Angeline, & FAYE go to the the store to buy all the supplies like paper plates, napkins, and silverware among other things. (Nothing too interesting, but me, Angeline, & Faye - strange).

So Will came back into town & possibly Monte. For some reason I was at the Arcega household in Silverdale, but the weird thing - it wasn't actually their house that I know, completely different, but apparently in my dream I just knew it was their house. Okay so I remember Faith being there. Anyway me and Will are sitting on the couch hanging out and then TJ comes over. Of course he does his "No Boys!" bit.

Next thing I remember, the house becomes someone else's house. No idea what we're doing there and it's only me and two other people. Those two other people change into so many different people because I can't remember exactly who it was. I think it was Luu, Monte, Will, and Marco at one point. So we're snooping around in this person's house and I get all antsy and I say "really we should go before they get home."

The guys tell me not to worry and then we finally leave after I keep bugging them. We pass the stairs and Jose is the security guard for the house! Haha, he doesn't care and I walk outside and the owner drives by and is about ready to kill us!

I remember waking up after that and looking straight at Choco-hung and saying "that was weird, just weird" over and over to him. Because it was... the most random people. The most random story lines. Makes no sense. I can't make sense of this dream. It wasn't even an entertaining dream, it was just fuckin' weird.

Usually I can figure things out with my dream. I can make sense of something. Or at least it's entertaining in story line.