Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Raw and All Grown Up.

In a week I turn the big 21. As usual, every year before my birthday I like to reflect on the years past and highlight the good and the bad. The moments that I remember most and the moments I feel help define me and bring me to the point that I stand at now.

I think last year I listed/coded a series of events during certain periods of my life. I want to try something different this time.

Here's my blog from last year.-->

It's strange. I'm finally turning 21 - it seems to be the age that kids wait for. It's true independence. For a few moments I want to look forward - I want to see what's ahead of me and realize how exciting the next year of my life will be. Being 21 is going to be a crazy ride, crazier than my life has ever been, I know it. I know it because my life has already been crazy, but the events and moments that are about to unfold in the coming year will be amazing - amazingly crazy, fun, ridiculous, bad, different. I just know because I'll be in a state of mind that I've never experienced or even imagined.

In the next 12 months so much is bound to happen. I'm excited to go to San Francisco in November. And if all goes well, I'll be headed to LA in December. In March, my first true niece will be turning One. Next thing you know it'll be May and I'll be done with this place forever - it'll be the biggest relief of my life. If all goes well I'll be traveling to Spain in June and once I get back I'll be moving to California, searching for a job and a completely different life. It'll be the first time I'll really be away from my family because six hours is not really being away - trust me. Next thing you know, I'll be turning 22.

But let's look to the past for a bit. This will be interesting. I want to reflect on everything. More than I did last year - deeper than last year.

I can remember exactly how I started off my 20th birthday. I was with Rei, Rick, Marco, and John - I miss that. Those were amazing times and all of us together was just amazing. Faye and Philip brought me a DQ cake exactly at midnight - Rei and I ate that thing slowly for a month or so - so good. This wasn't too long after the car crash, about 2-3 weeks or so. I think I let that car crash define this last year for me - the beginning at least.

Ms. Amy Rainwater came to visit Pullman for an entire week. I miss her. That was an amazing week. Good shit. Common show, FASA formal that I didn't really go to, but I did go in jeans, and... days of absolutely ignoring any of my responsibilities.

A lot of these months are seriously blurry for me. I can't remember much. I had no great love affairs. I didn't have too much going on at all. I just lived my days - nothing too special. I remember being unhappy and grumpy a lot during the Fall. I also remember when I used to get coffee from Starbucks every day and the holiday season decorations went up and gingerbread lattes were being sold - that brightened my day, "I love the holidays." I remember saying that. I remember the smile I had on my face.

Rei's graduation. Amazing night. Well actually me and Rick knocked out at my house when we were supposed to pick up. Instead we enjoyed some sinigang and what was supposed to be a quick smoke. Hah. Good times.

I had quit Dissmores. Started working at the helpdesk in January and I really liked it at first. I realized I like working with customers as much as customer service sucks ass sometimes. I went to visit my brother in New York and Lyna was born a few days after I left.

Next thing you know - it's summer. Summer was pretty amazing. I think summer was the happiest I had ever been in a long time. I never thought of the accident, I never thought about the bad things that had happened - it was all just good. It was my second living experience with Janice and of course it was the most amazing time we've ever had together. I know she misses me. I lived with two other boys, Mark & Mike - that was interesting, but it was fun. We all had fun - fondest memory was when we went to Kent Station for a movie and we all felt like we were on vacation in California. It did, it felt like a vacation - that's an amazing feeling.

I started work at Apple. Amazing. I met some of the most amazing people I will ever encounter. & I've said this before, but some of these people are going to be stuck with me for the rest of their lives. It was a great experience, working for Apple - it made me learn a lot. It made me learn a lot that a classroom could never teach me about technology. Not many computer scientists and other engineers work retail - no joke - so how could they really know what a customer likes. They're just guessing and thinking of themselves, but seriously... seriously computer scientists and engineers are definitely not the average shopper - definitely not. It was just interesting. I liked it - I liked the environment of the customers and the technology - even the crazy iPhone customers.

Two of my Seven amazing moments occurred during the summer. Another one occurred only weeks later.

Like I said... I met some amazing people through Apple.

Movie nights at the Condo were always fun. My first movie night was Sweeney Todd - Dima and I planned a night to hang out because we were both always busy and we wanted to have a session outside. It was a good night. I think my next movie night was Surf Ninjas and Spice Girls - that was an amazing night. I never would have guessed, imagined, or thought - intense, unbelievable and completely amazing. Pineapple Express was the beginning of Go Team - Monte already knows he's stuck with me for life. I definitely couldn't concentrate that night, if you ask me what the movie was about, I really couldn't tell you. There was too much going on in my head and well the "Go Team" really got to me.

Backtracking. That was legit. Monte, Dima, and myself - I don't think we'll ever be able to top that amazing conversation or should I say conversations.

An amazing weekend during the summer was when Faye visited me in Renton/Bellevue. And of course a night that I'll never forget was when Luu and I had various sessions, both feeling completely antsy all night and taking a walk to the park -sitting on the swings, smoking and enjoying it all. Amazing.

My first tattoo that I love and couldn't be happier about.

Getting into another accident. That is where I began to spend a lot of my time, a lot of my night at the condo. Sleeping on the floor and waking up to Will's metal rock. Oh and my hate for golf stems.

One day I remember at Apple was the day that I was ridiculously upset. I never told anyone why my day sucked so much, but people could tell I was in a bad mood. It was a text that I had got. I was upset with myself. That was the day I realized that there must be something else going on in my head. There's something going on in my life that I just didn't realize yet. It was a good thing. It just happened in a weird way.

My last amazing moment of the year was me and Faye's amazing night that should have been a movie. I never felt better or happier in my life. It was the highest high I've ever felt. The duo that no one else understands.

And to finish off was Mae's party. The night that just couldn't end for me. Celebration of Life. This night picked me up.

So to end this off I want to reflect on the years before, not the events and moments, but on me. How I've grown and possibly not so much.

One thing similar about last years blog and my mentality now is my viewpoints on falling in love and love in general. Hasn't changed. I still think happiness is key, but I still haven't figured out what constant I need in my life to secure that happiness. I'll find it. Or shall I say, it'll find me.

I've always loved California. Wish I never had to move away from San Francisco, but I know I'd be completely different if I didn't grow up in Silverdale. I've always said that I'm going to move back down there... it'll happen, soon enough. Back to Plan A. I can't stand Washington any longer.

I grew up in a somewhat religious household. Went to church practically every Sunday. Got pretty "religious" in high school and then somehow I lost it all. Still haven't found it. I still consider myself Catholic and I hold many of the beliefs. I just... I fight with religion a lot, because I don't fully understand it all yet. Possibly I never will.

I'm not always right. I'm not always on my best behavior. I'm human. I make plenty of mistakes, but I learn each and every day. I learn more and more about myself and the people around me. Everything I do in my life, I see nothing wrong with it. I can see how others may find it horrible or illegal or simply wrong, but it's my life and I'm only being me the best way I know how. I can't ask for forgiveness when I'm just trying to be me.

I used to say that I didn't think people could change. People grow - that's the truth. I think people can change for themselves, but only for themselves. I don't think people can change for anyone else whether its a friend, parents, or a significant other. It goes back to the fact that... you can only be you the best way you know how - I think it goes for everyone - and how can you ask for forgiveness when you're only being yourself, how can you change when you're only being you. It's different when you start to lose yourself and you don't know who you are anymore - it happens, it happens in moments for me - that's when change is necessary, but it only works if you realize it yourself.

I'm still shy and awkward. I'm still very to myself at times. I have become quite more vocal and quite more outgoing. I'm still laid back and very unique. In three words: Independent, Indecisive, Raw.

Independent: I hate to rely on others. I don't mind being by myself or being alone every now and then. I need to be by myself sometimes. I like to stand on my own two feet. I like to pick myself up when I fall. I like to fall by throwing myself down rather than allowing others to throw me down.

Indecisive: It's horrible, I know. I've never been good at making decisions. It's me though and I get through it and that makes all the difference.

Raw: Dictionary definition - strong and undisguised, open. It's just that. I'm strong. Raw - it's such a strong word really - open minded, open book, real, no cover ups, true to one self, true to the reality around me.

Just a few more days and I'm 21. Weird.

Getting farther with my wall. I like it. Still not done.

Rocky - he's such a stud sometimes, but then again he's kind of freakish. He actually is a freak... he'll be in Pullman for a month after the weekend, that'll be interesting.

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