quickly and suddenly.

I've been sick. I hate being sick. The life of me gets sucked out so quickly and suddenly - leaving no time for preventative maintenance.

Orbie was in town. I missed him. Real talk.

My life never seems to go the way I'd like it to. A lot is going on right now and it sucks because I can't really do much. Preventative maintenance has passed. And what do you do when there's not much to maintain and the harder you try to hold it all together it all just keeps slipping through the cracks? That's my life.

I hate to be a downer. I hate that I can't always be happy. But like I said before, happiness is a feeling that cannot truly be achieved. Yet still I try. I try to feel things that aren't always there or maybe I try not to feel things that are there. In either case, what's wrong with feeling the way you do? I know I'm not the only one.

A few weeks ago I said that something was missing. I still feel that. It's weird. I feel different like I haven't been myself and I've been acting in ways that I usually wouldn't. I feel strange. And of course the whole point is that I don't know what's missing. No clue.

While Orbie was in town we had some real talk. Then he brought up my old blog or should I say my old deadjournal. Gross, I just came back from reading some of it. I couldn't keep reading, it was ridiculous. I always look back and think about how stupid I acted and felt and sounded... will I ever look back and think... there's an intelligent, amazing person?