Tuesday, September 9, 2008

a beginning & an ending.

I've decided to start writing again for the following reasons:
1. I feel like I'm going crazy, I need to lay my thoughts out somewhere.
2. I'm super bored right now and homework is not an option.
3. Life is ... ridiculous.
4. Writing last night made me feel amazing afterwards.
5. I've realized a lot - I think this is necessary.

My life is ridiculous, yet I think I'm just complaining, because who doesn't have these terrible rough patches in their life - I just get impatient. I only have one more year left at WSU and I just have to focus and get it over with - "it's time to motherfuckkin' FOCUS." It's definitely easier said than done.

A lot has been on my mind. A lot has happened over the last couple months.

My life philosophy over the last few years has been: "Think Smart. Think Single."
But why? It was even my life philosophy when I was in a serious relationship.

I need to breakdown my thoughts. I need to start letting people understand me, because well maybe... I'll finally start to understand myself.

I don't care what people think of me. But I do care a lot about how my friends and family see me. Because they know me or at least the part of me that lets people know me. It's strange, I was so proud of my wall before, but who needs a wall to block others away - a wall should be there to display your feelings, thoughts, ideas, and everything else that helps to define you in a deeper sense.

Honestly, I don't care much for myself. I think that's my problem. I don't ever think the right guys are interested, I don't ever think guys are interested, PERIOD. I don't think I'm a memorable person. I hate small talk because I don't care about your favorite color or where you're from, I'm more interested in your laugh, the company you give me, the ability to sit in a room in silence with me without making it the least bit awkward (other than the fact that to Monte I am awkward, haha), your ability to let me know more about you through stories and actions, and you making me laugh.

I hate conflict. It doesn't matter if it's small and settle, but I hate conflicting with others. When it happens though, I have too much pride. When it happens, that's when I'm really a bitch. I think I'm getting better at it though or maybe it's the people I'm around. I just like a world without conflict... when its happened a friend was lost and awkward moments arise. Definitely unnecessary.

I've been in my fair share of "relationships." Never been a big fan. I want to be, who doesn't really? I just don't believe them sometimes. I always said I've never fallen in love and I've said that the day I do, he'll be the one. I think it's true for me, I'm not going to fall in love more than once - & honestly I don't think I could ever really know. Maybe Choco-hung is as good as it gets- HAH amazing. But honestly, it's like me and Janice would say, we're not girls - we man up against our brothers. I'm not like most girls and that's why I always say "girls are stupid." (No offense to girls, sorry). I like to think of myself as independent and I hate to see myself even slightly depend on a guy. I'm not saying it's the best thing, definitely not.

Most times, I'd rather not risk losing a friend, especially the great ones that come by. But... that's not completely true - in many ways. Anyway, great ones are sure hard to come by now a days.

Like I said, I'm finishing up school. As much as I hate school I wish I could start all over. I wish I could move, go to a different university, and study something completely different. I don't have any interest in programming or at least what I'm taught here, but I don't want to develop software - boring - unless it was me and Rei's amazing vending machine, haha. That's why when I get out of here, I have no clue what I'm going to do. I kind of think I want it to be that way, I'm tired of all the planning I've always done and had to do. I'm not going to spend my days trying to find a job, if one comes by then so be it. Things will work out and for even better - it'll all just come to me.

So I'm waiting now. Not planning ahead. I'm waiting for it all to come and letting myself learn more about the world, others, and myself. I'm focusing on right now - just trying to get out of here, sitting around with Choco-hung, the homework I just realized is due tomorrow, and the stomach grumbling before me that's craving a PB&J sammich!!

Oh ya a few last notes:
1. iTunes 8 is amazing! Can't wait to see the new iPods.
2. I have to do a health, community, individual 3D animation for me & Sean's first project, we're thinking of focusing on Smoking or Drugs - how ironic. ->
3. The new visualizer on iTunes is unbelievable especially after my nightcap. :)

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