Saturday, September 27, 2008


"...and reason is a spark at the beating of our hearts." Wisdom 2:2

I used to pride myself on the wall I could build, the feelings that I didn't feel, and my ability to stay in control.

I usually have a reason for why I am the way I am. My fear of spiders and bugs comes from the enormous spider bite on my eye I got from camping. My hate for snow comes from falling in it face first when I was a baby. And I had theories on my reasons for never falling in love and being able to not fall in love. I never was too sure.

I'm still not sure, but I'm coming up with more and more theories.

I like to feel in control, who doesn't. I rarely lose myself. At least, I never let others see me out of control. But my head, it's always been fucked up and out of control.

My first boyfriend, well actually he wasn't even my first boyfriend, he was that first guy - he was at a time probably one of my best friends. We're still really good friends, but our friendship has been complicated since the day I met him. At many times, I had lost him as a friend, it could have been many reasons, but one of the main ones, the feelings we felt and didn't feel - it all got in the way. I'll never understand him. But the fact is - almost always, I never felt in control of our relationship or our friendship.

This other guy, we also became best friends. He was probably more fucked up in the head than I am now. Pretty much, keeping the story short, I had no control of this situation. He was mentally unavailable to say the least.

Other times, I felt in control. I never had to try so hard. But of course something was always missing, it never felt right and I never felt like 'this is amazing.'

So like I said, I tried something thrilling, fun, possibly stupid and bad this summer, but it was worth it. Every step, breath, touch... I'm revealing more and more of myself. There's something about feeling like you have no control that's different than all the rest. It's exhilarating and new. And as ridiculous as times can get, it's that much more worth it. It's the moments you'll never forget. I needed that.

But when does it all come together... when does the 'you jump, i jump Jack' - 'climb up here with me' - thrilling, fun, stupid, bad and different all just come together?

I've never truly loved someone. I've never fallen in love. I sat out on the deck again today listening to music off my iPhone and I noticed every other songs mentions love - what does it truly feel like to love someone? What does it take for me to love? I watched Made of Honor today, strange movie, but I liked it. He couldn't even say 'I Love You' to anyone except for dogs. I'm not that bad and I'm not saying that when I say 'I Love You' to someone, it means nothing. Everyone has a different meaning of love, for some can love so quickly and easily and others may never love at all. I just want to know what it'd feel like, I want to know my meaning. Obviously I'll just have to wait and see.

Other notes:
- I haven't spent a weekend in Pullman for a while. It's weird. I got so used to going back and chillin' at the condo. I took a shot of tequila last night and I also drank a beer - I also had to be the "D.D." It was fun and I got too see an old crush from high school/freshmen year so that was pretty amazing. Definitely should have made my move. HAH. But my night was good and well... I felt good. Of course, I knocked out on Marco's couch like I always used to... oh well. "It's not the same."
- 18 days until I turn 21 years old. I'm excited, but... I just hope its a better year. A much, much better year. A lot happened this year, good and bad, more bad than good. I wouldn't take it back for the world, but... I just hope it gets better because the year before that wasn't too hot either.

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