Saturday, September 20, 2008

in omnia paratus.

in omnia paratus. prepared for all things.

"It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different. Isn't this the point of being young? ... People can live a hundred years without really living a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived."

Amazing. I can't explain how amazing that quote is. The day a guy says "climb up here with me" and makes me feel different, good, bad, amazing, thrilled... that'll be my jump.

I tried that this summer... something different, fun, thrilling, possibly bad & stupid. No jump though. No "climb up here with me," but it was an experience that made me really live for more than a minute. No regrets. It was fun while it lasted. And that's what counts. I just need to remind myself of that.

I tell myself I want certain things. I want to feel certain things. I want my emotions to run high with someone else.

The truth... I think that's what I want. Or maybe it's truly what I want. But when it's possible or it happens... I run. I do it all the time. I try not to show my true feelings and when it finally happens I hide and turn away. My feelings make a 180 and I lose myself. I forget what it is I wanted in the first place. Not sure what it would have been this time around but maybe it's better that I don't find out.

What made my head so fucked? I get bored. I'm indecisive. I'm independent. I'm pushed and pulled to finish school. I'm surrounded by amazing friends that I'll keep in my life forever. I'm blessed. I'm smart. I'm scared. I'm shy. I feel undeserving, not smart enough, not good enough. I don't know why though.

Other notes:
- I love Boys and Girls. Amazing movie. She's me. I'm her.
---"We've all been in love, but we never know it's not true love until it's over. So what if Maybe there is no one or two or three or four or five? I mean, what if there is no such thing as true love, and we're just too afraid to admit it, so we keep on dressing up, we keep on pretending to be something that we're not. We keep turning our lives upside down, losing ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think that we are. What if that something that we're looking for just doesn't exist? "
---"I needed to relieve the stress."
- Ne-yo CD is amazing. He did it again but even better.
- Deck time with Luu is always perfect. Faye on the phone = legit. If only she were really there.
- So You Think You Can Dance show tonight. Should be amazing.
- Monte and Will shall be missed. Go Team - amazing true friend and he actually stayed up last night. :)

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