Independence.

I've always taken pride in my independence. My inability to depend on others- more like my fear of ever depending on anyone. My strength, my need to take care of myself. It's what defines me.

That Weeds quotes speaks to me: "I can't rely on men. It doesn't mean I don't love them. It doesn't mean I walk away. It just means that I adjusted my expectations. Men are weak."

But the truth is... I can't rely on men. I can't let myself. I try not to atleast.

I understood what this meant for me and my ideas on relationships. I understood that this is the reason I built a wall, this is the reason why I was scared to allow myself into relationships. It's the reason why I'm too scared to feel. I think I just wanted to find the guy that I could rely on...

I guess I never thought about what this meant for the men in my life. The ones that actually care and actually want to take care of me- but me being me, I don't let them. I never thought about what it would mean until last night. And now it's running through my head. And now... I'm really not sure what to think...

Necessary.

It's funny. How things end up. How things don't work out. And how sometimes they do.

I love drawing. But my best work comes from a dark place. I have to put myself in a dark place. It's hard. It's somewhat unhealthy. I'm not sure what to do. I think that I let myself get in a dark place because of recent events. I could have brushed it off and walked away, but I let it happen. I'm not sure why I let it happen, but I did. I think it's human behavior, sometimes we just need to feel pain.

I'm done with feeling that way now. I have anger- I won't lie. Those actions that effect me- it makes me angry. I think to myself- "how can someone be such a f'n idiot" or "how does someone have the nerve." I need to let go of that anger. I'm working on it but seriously, people got nerve. Seriously.

"ici et maintenant" - it's on my ring and I wear it all the time. I have this thing... I have to wear it or I feel like my day will fall apart. And before I felt this way I just felt naked without it until a horrible day had come. There's something about it. I know it's silly but I never take it off anymore- almost never.

It means "here and now" in French. Here and now. Live in the here and now. It's simple. Direct. But sometimes I think to myself... How about when the here and now isn't how you want it to be. It's a weird statement. And I don't even think it's at all logical. But sometimes it's just necessary.

Things are sometimes just necessary. We can't always be logical. We shouldn't be. That's not how life works.

Expression.

I've had so much on my mind this weekend. I don't think I've ever been so full of emotions, thoughts, ideas, etc. It's strange though, as much as I felt like expressing that emotion through my own body - a tear on my face, a scream out of my mouth - it came out differently than it ever has before. I started to write - a lot, but even better, I started to draw. Really draw, not just doodle, but sketch and I came out with pieces that I love - that speak a lot to me. I'm not sure what anyone else would get from them, but to me - its emotional.

I suck at drawing faces - I can't capture that in my sketches - it's something that I've practiced and haven't yet achieved. But I discovered something - what do you see in a blank face? My own emotions were pulled into the blankness, but the emotion of someone else, someone happier, some feeling completely different than myself, I think their own emotions could easily be pulled. It makes it dynamic. It speaks to the person looking at it, differently than the next.

Explaining Why.

As human beings we go through phases. In and out, we continue to weave ourselves through life, never actually knowing what's in and what's out. It's strange though, when do you know that it's no longer a phase and that your mind won't change in a day, in 10 days, a year, 10 years, 50 years... I guess we don't. I guess we never will, but that's the trick to life. Sometimes you just have to jump blind sighted. But what if one day your mind changes and it's too late -- you can't turn back time and change the past few days or years or decades. It's always a risk, a risk that's best not to be thought of as a risk. It's life.

I used to want a boyfriend. When I was younger especially, but I have a feeling that was society influenced... it had nothing to do with my own wants and realization of the responsibility - it was based on the fact that society tells us we must date around and one day find our true love.

What if I'm never meant to find my true love? What if I do and I don't know it...

I'll continue this later... I'm too tired right now...

This is Why.

This is why I love Fe so much.. instead of everyone else who says, "you're just saying that now," she knows me...

(3:08:02 PM) Nicole Cua: i already knew i didnt like relationships, but i think ive decided that i dont like relationships and i want to be single forever
(3:09:48 PM) Faye Farrales: i feel like.. i've known that
(3:10:00 PM) Faye Farrales: i feel like.. that's you
(3:10:02 PM) Faye Farrales: haha


EOM!

In Hopes.

I thought about it. I think I want it. I think I don't. Then, you just know.

I thought about relationships. My relationships with my friends & family & the people i'm only getting to know. The way my life works, it could be better of course, but overall the way that I live my life- I don't want much to change. I'm independent, stubborn, indecisive, ridiculous, & raw. I feel like that could change, but I also think I could keep that.

Obviously I'm leading to the idea of a companion, a mate. The problem is... when you get that close to someone... when you open up that deep --how do you not begin to care? And that leads to the seriousness, the human rawness, & the deepness of the situation. To survive it, stick with it is a feat that I'm not ready to take. I still haven't quite found me.

And I hate that term : "finding oneself." I think it's that I'm not 100% comfortable with myself. That might be it.

I need to start drawing, conjuring, creating, & producing.

Life starts to write itself clear.

I have tried time and time again to bring myself to this blog. To write my thoughts, my ideas and whatever else you would call the voices in my head.

Some think that people go through life. I like to think that life goes through people or at least, that's when the best moments, the moments that matter most, occur. The things that life throws at me, the things that happen to me... it creates those amazing moments that I live for. Of course though, we must be do'ers in life. We must take action to expect outcome or else I should be sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing to help myself in this wreck-less time of transition. There's only so much you can do ... so much you can ask for - sometimes we just need to wait and let it come naturally. Let life come to you.

Its hard to wait sometimes, when you just want it to happen already. It's like being an artist in life - and forcing your artist identity, your artist ideas - when they have yet to be created and instead fillers are created. Fillers of life that mean almost nothing, but you want it to mean something so bad.

I want a job, but do I want a filler job? I want companionship, but do I want anyone to just fill the position?

I'm pretty sure I want it - the job, the companion, the life. I'm willing to wait because I'm sure it'll be worth it. I know it. This artist is generating ideas, thoughts, and an amazing life.

painstakingly amazing moments.

So I woke up yesterday and it looked beautiful outside. I could hear people playing outside in the neighborhood. The sun was out and brighter than ever. I love the sun, I love days like that. It made everything that I thought was missing and that I thought was wrong disappear.

I decided to go out for a jog. I wasn't sure how far I wanted to go or where I wanted to go, I just wanted to start going. I jogged up to the hilltop of Pullman and stood up there for a while looking out at all of Pullman and thinking... "Wow, I'm really not going to miss this place."

I kept jogging and at times walking and made it all the way to Adrian and Louis' place. There's a few things that I realized during that 3 mile jog:
1. Pullman is one of the stinkiest places ever.
2. I've missed walking every morning - I didn't realize how good it made me feel.
3. I should be doing this more often!
4. Getting a head start in the day made it one of the best days I've had in a while.

So after my jog Adrian, Stephen and myself actually hung out throughout the rest of the day... running errands and being productive. It was good. Really good.

I won't lie... I woke up this morning in PAIN!!! Lots of pain. I feel sore, very sore, but I'm trying to push myself farther - I pulled out my "wheel of death" and decided that I need to go through the pain and push myself further and not to give up just because it hurts a little.

So I'm hoping this isn't a one time thing. I'm hoping that I get off my ass more often. And I'm also hoping that I'll continue to push myself further in all matters of life, not just when it comes to fitness.

Pain shouldn't end all things. Pain should be used to channel the good and channel the bad. It should be used to clear your head and clear your mind - to look at things in another perspective and to re-evaluate the situation.

After last night when a few of us went to Dupus we started to look at the calendar. Time is truly passing by... soon enough I'll be out of here. There's really not much time left. But I'm still excited. But I'm trying to make the most of it all, planning things with people I haven't been around in a while. Making the most of every thirsty Thursday. Not being lame on Friday and Saturday. And being dedicated every single day of the week. Because really... REALLY... when will I get to do this again? When else will I be able to party the way I do in Pullman? With all these people that I've met and come across?

The answer? Never again. So it's about now. Because no matter what amazing plans we make for the future... moving to LA with friends, moving to wherever alone, moving forward in life... we never know what'll happen or what obstacles we might cross on the way, but what I know is that right now is a perfect time to create amazing moments.

Confession.

For some reason I feel strange. I can't explain it exactly, but there's just something that's missing once again. I'm back to where I was last October: dissatisfied, lost, and longing. Longing for something I can't even explain, describe, or simply name.

I've been this grump about relationships for quite a while now, even when I was in one. I'm trying to think back... what made me this way? I look at other people in relationships and I can't even empathize with the happiness they feel being together. I can't see myself in their shoes because I don't think I've ever let myself be in that type of situation. Am I looking for that? No not exactly, not at all actually, but when will I ever let myself feel like that? I wish I wasn't so critical towards relationships and towards people who choose to go through pain for someone they 'love' so much. Pain is pleasure right? I don't know, it's just something I've never completely or even slightly understood and I think it's because I have in no way been a part of something that real myself. I haven't handed my heart over to someone and trusted them allowing them to pin scars knowing that they'll heal soon enough. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't even believe in feeling with your heart. I believe in the mind and the games that mind plays on us.

The truth is ... I want to find someone. I just haven't found anyone. I want to feel the things that I've described, but the truth is... someone needs to find me.

The last time I told myself... you're not being stupid, you really feel this way and it's real. It's been a while you know, but I'm looking back again and thinking... I was stupid. Will that ever change? I think I'm just afraid to let it be real. I think I just need to be okay with feeling stupid. The truth is... the last time, the last guy... it started off as nothing and ended as nothing. And in between... it meant something along the way, but if it really meant something, it would've been something... so truly it was nothing, nothing real, just something stupid, fun and bad for me - that was me living, remember that?

Okay but to be truly honest... he made an impact that no one else has in a while. I think that's a good thing. I needed it.

I hate being in Pullman. I always feel so trapped. I feel like there's something out there for me, but being here holds me back. Being here makes me this grump. Being here holds me from more stupid, fun and bad for me things that I want to experience.

When will my time come once again? When will I find more meaning to the things I do in life? I think I just feel... like I'm living, but living for nothing. I need meaning, at least more meaning than this.

I hate feeling this way. Not knowing what's wrong, but knowing that something's just not right. I miss the summer again. I miss my old friends. I miss my Bellevue friends. I miss my Renton family. I miss all of them, they make my life brighter and happier ... they sure did so this past weekend. It was amazing. Monday night was amazing for many reasons. It was thrilling, exciting, but I really think it may have been bad for me - wait I know it was bad for me because I was totally hung over the next day.

One last thing... this weekend triggered something in my mind. There's moments I forgot, but didn't... and there's moments that I will never forget. It's haunting. It brings back other memories, moments, amazing ones... one's that I'll never forget because there was something amazing that happened - I just need to figure that out.

Fringe.

"If you take a moment and look closely at the things you pass by everyday: a color, a shape, a pattern... because what you see really depends on what you're looking for."

Okay so I don't actually watch Fringe although I have been wanting to start and I actually watched the beginning of one episode, but creepy 'butterflies' cutting into human skin like glass was just too eerie for me.

The trailer - I love the graphics. The words are inspiring.

It's true... what you see really depends on what you're looking for. I wish it was easier to be open, to look at things without any pre-judgements or pre-conceptions. It's like what I told Rick over the weekend: don't act nice if you don't want to, don't be fake, but don't be mean either - just be open and don't go in with the thought that you already hate or dislike it, just be open each and every moment. Let your mind judge at the moment, but don't carry those judgements any farther than the now.

So I haven't written in this blog for quite some time now. I always get right to it once Orbie reminds me that it's there and it's waiting. Actually it's not that I forget... I've just had trouble gathering my thoughts. I've had trouble finding the words because trust me there's a lot to be said, but so little words to truly express it.

We're limited. Limited by the amount of communication we're honestly capable of. The ambiguity of one word, one thought, or one emotion. Not only are we inevitably limited, but we tend to limit ourselves. We hold back our feelings, we fail to communicate. We fail to tell each other how we truly feel whether it's amazing, good, bad, or horrible.

I appreciate true honesty - I really do. Even if I might get upset at people being 'too honest' sometimes, but that upset feeling goes away and respect and trust are further built. And it's about being honest to the person that needs to hear it. Sometimes we don't have a problem with communicating how we feel - we tend to have a problem with communicating how we feel to the right person - the person that it matters to most.

It's true... if you take a moment and look closely at the things you pass by everyday it just depends on what you're looking for. We see what we want to see. I'm in this music course, but we're learning about the brain and how music is processed and the effect that it has on the brain. I learned that we use the left side of our brain when fabricating stories. "The left brain makes up stories based on the limited information it gets. Usually it gets the story right, but it will go to great lengths to sound coherent." So pretty much our brain is creating the story to give us what we want, what we think is there. It's a tricky thing.

What's so bad about not getting what we want? What's so wrong about being wrong? Why are we fearful of failing? I wish I could make my mind think differently and be more open to failure. That fear keeps us from a lot of great things in life: living, honesty, trust, a pattern, a shape, a color.

To end, I'll end with another quote. A speech from the show Jack and Bobby by Grace McAllister at her attempt to make an inspiring speech for the university's students. The writers inspired me:

"You will fail here, all of you. College is not the culmination of your high school career, it is the beginning of your adult life. Only its a slow sweet beginning. It feels nothing like what life and all its attending obligations will eventually bring, so fail here. Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be afraid. Be vulnerable. Go out on limb or two or twelve and you'll fall and it'll hurt, but the harder you fall the farther you'll rise. The louder you fail the clearer your future becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it. There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances passed them by, why they didn't take the road less traveled. Those people are not you. You have the front row seats to your own transformation and in transforming yourself you might even transform the world and it'll be electric, I promise you. It'll be terrifying, but embrace that. Embrace the new person you're becoming. This is your moment. I promise you it is now. Now - not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but really now. Own that, know that deep in your bones and go to sleep every night knowing that and wake up every single morning remembering it and then... keep going."

actions. feelings.

I've been a pretty big bum the last few days watching many movies and playing Rock Band. These movies though, that I've been watching, I love romantic comedies. I know I might not be much of a romantic myself - actually I'm not at all romantic. I laugh at romantic gestures and never create any of my own, but its different when I see it in the movies.

There's something that makes me angry sometimes. Sometimes watching the movies I understand it all... I understand the attraction people feel for one another and the inability to control one's feelings. Of course there are times when I think to myself... that character is an idiot. How can you forgive someone that acted like such a jerk or caused you that much pain?

The fact is that its never perfect. People make mistakes. Actions are made that can't be taken back. Feelings are felt for others and not for some. 

I'm definitely not perfect. Not even close. I've made mistakes and I continue to do so... I'm still just trying to figure things out. Definitely just trying to figure things out.

It's that balance that must be upheld. As things fall into place, other things fall out. Happiness is followed by sadness. Life is followed by death.