Plans. Unplanned.

I've always hated the snow. I've never been a fan. And playing in it - I honestly don't find it too amazing, I think I end up enjoying the bond you make with your friends and the memories you create. It's not the same. It's not like it used to be - everyone all in the same neighborhood ready to throw snowballs at each other or build a snow speed bump or just run around and make snow angels.

The drive to Silverdale pretty much sucked because of the snow. Sean and Nicole kept me company though, I don't think I could've done that one by myself. The drive to Renton was pretty long as well, but it was with Janice so it didn't really matter. Now I feel stuck here with nothing to do. I've been back for break for an entire weekend, but I haven't seen anyone.

So plans are somewhat set for LA. I think it'll be an interesting road trip and I'm happy I'll have Nikki with me. I wonder if asking my parents to take the CRV would be bad? Maybe I'll start with my mom and see what happens. Haha, hey I'm getting older, but I do have a bad record with cars.

Once this snow passes I'm excited for the break to roll out. I'm excited to see Luu, Foss, Papa Dima, and Ori. It'll be a good gathering of everyone again. I miss all of them! And of course once I make it over to LA then I'll get to see my teammate Monte and Mr. Willy Dean. Not only that, but Nikki and I will be terrorizing Pullman style, haha. And Sean and hopefully Rick as well.

Christmas will be interesting. This is the first year that I haven't been too hyped for the holidays. I think it's because it didn't turn out at all how I expected it to be. I thought that I'd be holding a plane ticket already bound for LA during New Years. I thought it'd be working at Apple making a few extra bucks and spending time with some amazing people (yet of course, some not so amazing people too). I thought I'd be living in Renton being able to go out to see everyone. This whole economy thing is quite a bummer too - it makes it only depressing. Oh and something small, but this used to cheer me up last year - a Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks, but they replaced it with the Gingersnap Latte, which I don't find as gratifying.

Yet once this break is over I'll be starting my final semester at Washington State University. I'll be graduated in May and ready to start working. I've been looking around, I just hope something works out. I told Nikki to just move to California with me, it'd be amazing if she did. Amazing.

Sudden Power.

The power of the internet. It's crazy the things you can do. Rick and I were trying to figure out what glasses were on the face of Q-Tip in a picture we saw. We had no idea what they were called and Rick just recognized them from hip-hop artists of the 80's. We were staring at Cazals, which we cleverly navigated our way through Google to figure out. I actually like their glasses, especially CazalxDita. When I finally have money I'll treat myself - hopefully thats after I graduate, just hopefully.

The power of words. Wording. The power of feelings.

The power of expressing your feelings with words typed on a computer or phone through blog or text. We've become quite cryptic. I remember when saying "Have fun." in a text didn't actually mean have fun - it meant I actually hope you don't have fun and I hope you keep thinking about what you did wrong. Hah, being in relationships, but that was always stupid - that's why I hated relationships. I am a victim of being able to easily express myself through these typed words rather than face to face, but I'm working on it. I think I'm getting there where I can say what I want, how I feel, what I think. Of course, only if necessary - I still have my pride, which holds a different set of words to be expressed.

I say you're ridiculous because that's honestly how I feel.

I say you make me feel ridiculous because you do and well no one's ever made me feel quite this ridiculous in a long time. Yet this time - it's different - it's amazing, no matter what. What does it all mean? Nothing, absolutely nothing. What were my intentions? To jump once, do something crazy and different. To live a little.

I say you amaze me because the things you do are only things I wish I could do.

I say you scare me because I care for you. And well I don't want to be responsible for all the terrible things that could occur.

I say I'll miss you and really I will. Without you around, it's not going to be the same, but of course people grow and we keep moving forward. There's nothing else we can do about it.

I say... I love you. You must be special, damn special.

I'm staring out the window right now. Seeing the sparkling snow - I never noticed it before. Me and Rick were out having a cigarette earlier in my garage. Then we stepped outside for a few minutes and started staring at the sparkling snow. It was crazy. Never seen it before. An amazing site, but I still hate snow. Definitely hate it and wished it would just go away.

I know very little about myself. But it just takes some searching. The people around me are links to knowing more about myself. The sparkling snow is the amazing things that I never noticed before - appearing suddenly, beautifully and amazingly. Words expressed, not very defining or foretelling, but listen deeply you'll learn about the past, possibly the present and thoughts that pass and go. What have you learned?

But wait... where does the boundary of being honest get crossed?

Ticking.

Each day surprises me.

I miss how things were. I'll continue to miss how things were, but we're all growing up, moving on, and forgetting more.

Meeting new people, re-meeting old friends, meeting people that you'll never meet again. How do you choose, how do they choose you - do any of us actually choose at all?

Friends come and go, but when do you know that the friendship is worth fighting for? What issues do you deal with and what issues do you ignore? When do you say this is about me not you? When do you say you're just ridiculous and push it aside?

I met these people when I was in elementary school, junior high, and high school. Most of them went and well, the best ones stuck around. I met these people when I was younger as my brother's friends. I met them again, but this time as my own friends, my own family. I met these people when I started college and started getting my foot in the door, some have already gone, but some are still around and only time will tell.

The clock has started ticking.

I've never told a friend before that they were making it difficult for us to be friends, that they were acting ridiculous. At least never until about a few days ago. The thing is... I don't regret it at all. I honestly was very impressed that I was being that completely honest and open and at same time not just being a bitch. I honestly had nothing else to say - I still have nothing else to say.

I'm now just getting to that age where I can take a trip with my friends if I want to or take a trip by myself to see someone or something. When I was younger I didn't take trips without my parents or my siblings. I didn't visits to see my old friends after I moved. I'm finally starting to do that or getting to the planning portion. I'm excited, very excited. There's Europe this summer, which will be amazing and unforgettable. Tulalip for Jomel's birthday in January - it's a small one, but it's going to be AMAZING. A potential trip to Las Vegas and Los Angeles during Spring Break.

And another potential, still in my mind, really unsure trip to Los Angeles in January. I just wish things didn't have to be complicated. I just wish I knew 100% why I was going and was 100% sure that I should.

So I'm at the end of dead week and completed two of my classes. That's seven more left to graduate - three more for this semester. I'm excited and nervous - I get nervous for those damn tests. It's Jomel's last semester, last week actually - he will own the civil engineering field and make lots of money and not forget the Cua's. That really changes the dynamic for next semester... it'll be another interesting one.

This finals week will be interesting too, I have no idea what one of my finals will be like - the teacher cancelled class all week and a lot of times throughout the semester, jerk. Next semester will be cake and hopefully I can find a job so I'll know where I'm going and what I'm doing - applying is hard, selling myself is hard, I think I should just be super high when I'm interviewing - I noticed I can explain things 50 times better.

Last night Rick was asking me to explain what a MINODE and an inode was... it has to do with my systems programming course and I explained it to him, but I was able to explain it so clearly and using similes. To my teachers and TAs and professionals ask me things I blank out or unsure or I just get tongue tied. I need to work on that, but the material is too boring. Just too boring! Haha.

Oh well life gets boring sometimes. The time is now.

Oh and I was listening to the new Maroon 5 Remix CD... it's pretty amazing. & I'm watching Apple Visualizer so that helps. I'm just in a good mood. Other songs in the mix right now are Musiq's new CD - not a big fan, what's he trying to do? And Brandy - which I'm still trying to decide on.

The Concept.

This weekend I went into a complete mind boggling trip. Looking at the world with new eyes and not remembering the simple ways the world works.

Have you ever tried to look at something with new eyes? Forgetting anything you've ever been taught before and forgetting any previous facts, thoughts, or ideas. "It's hard, it's fucking hard." (Six Feet Under)

I was confused. The concept of living, the concept of dying, the concept of friends, the concept of time, the concept of school, the concept of sleeping and waking up... the concept of being with someone else.

I try to look at things with new eyes. I try to see things in a different light with an open mind, but of course there's always that part of me that's truly myself.

The concept of living and dying, sleeping and waking - all of it - depends on the person. I think it's important to understand your own concept because its reason.

My concept of living is to one day jump and to constantly ask what the concept of dying is. The concept of friends is companionship and to have others jump with you. The concept of sleeping and waking is to keep sane. The concept of being with someone else... I still haven't figured it out.

It always comes back to finding that someone. I'm not sure if society pushes the idea that a lot of life is about finding someone to love and someone that will love you.

I've always said that I suck at relationships. I'm not sure where that all started. Maybe it was from the moment I ever got close to a guy and I noticed things can easily get awkward. Or maybe its the time that I realized getting dumped sucks and the many times that I noticed dumping guys isn't all that awesome either. Or maybe its the time that I realized I have no self control and easily give into temptations and being loyal to yourself is much harder than being loyal to others.

Some people believe that finding that someone is about completing themselves. Or finding that someone is about helping oneself grow. Or maybe that finding that someone is about finding happiness. Or simply taking the jump.

I like to think of the jump as something different... not always someone or that someone, but something amazing and thrilling that makes you feel like you are literally on top ready to jump searching for the ground below you.

I think finding that someone is not about completing yourself or finding out more about yourself in someone else. I think it's about feeling comfortable, knowing exactly who you are and that that someone will love you, accept you, and honor you for exactly that.

Dropped, Fooled, & Teased.

As human beings interacting with human beings we get pulled around, dropped, fooled, and teased. It's true, we all do it to each other, but it sucks when you're being the one tugged around. The thing is... I need to learn to prepare myself for failure. Success does not come easy and I'll definitely be facing a ratio of 50:1 (failures:successes). I just need to learn to deal with it and stay on my toes ready to change my plans at any moment.

I'm a planner, I always have been, but the strange thing is that I'm not much of a committer. I hate commitment, maybe that's why I suck at relationships. I hate feeling like I can't just instantly change my mind. Planning is difficult sometimes because how can you really plan for change. We never know what will change around us, but things are always changing and as we are all growing older, things are changing quicker than ever before.

I look back at pictures. I see the changes we've all made since I was in high school. Even since I first came to WSU... a lot has changed. And even more recent, this summer... everything change so quickly it was crazy. I think that's why I had such a good time this break even though things weren't remotely the same, it was good to be around the familiar.

I used to always say that people never change. I'm not sure if I still agree 100%, but I still see some truth in the statement. Have I changed? I like to think I've grown, but never truly changed... the people that really know me from before - still know me as that same person, there's just some things that are a little different.

More recent "changes" and constant "changes" that I've noticed are feelings, perceptions, and emotions.

Feelings. My feelings change quickly. I wish for something more without admitting it. I act like I don't really care, but in fact I do. I try to think of simple when it all seems complicated. I get over it. There you go again, reappearing, but this time around I still care, I still wish for more in the future and I still think simple, but it's different, it's subtle, it's fun.

Other times I get bored. But maybe it's like I said before it's about feeling in control, because right now I feel out of control.

How do you know when something is right? When something is worth risking? When it's time for you to make the change instead of letting everything before you change ?

It's strange. The way my mind works. The way all our minds work. The things that we let ourselves believe.

I haven't really come to the point in my life where changes around me have caused me to change my own plans. I know that point is coming soon enough. I haven't had the freedom to really change my own plans, but it'll happen. It'll be interesting especially since I'm very indecisive in the smallest of decisions, but I think it'll help me grow. So I'm ready. I'm prepared for it all. Omnia Paratus.

This is regarding everything: life style, relationships, commitment, location, job, friends, family, endings, beginnings, failures, successes...

Something bad for me (Dropped, Fooled, Teased) leads to the jump that I've been waiting for.

Steps.

I haven't written in here in a while. I've honestly sat down five times or so trying to write down my thoughts. Hopefully I actually post something this time around. I'm not even sure where my mind is right now, but I must admit, things are getting better or maybe I'm just getting used to it all and freely living...

It's funny... how life turns out. How things progress. How moving one step forward can easily lead to taking another two steps back. How growing up can lead to acting even more childish than before.

I think of you. I stop. Then I relapse even worse than before.
I learn, but the next course only makes you feel like I'm further behind.

It's a cycle... it's keep me on my toes.

All the street lights glowing happen to be just like moments passing in front of me, so I hopped in the cab and I paid my fair, see I know my destination, but I'm just not there in the streets...

I've been hearing this concept of one's meant to be. And the concept of love. Everyone has their own definition of love and their own moment of falling in and out of love. I'm surrounded by romantics and I'm definitely not one of them, but it makes me think, maybe my concept and expectations of love are much greater than the average guy or girl. Maybe I just think that there should be something more than there already has been before. Maybe I just want more. I like to look at it as a good thing though.

So I just came back from my trip to San Francisco. How I love that place... but as I was there, I tried to picture myself living there, starting a career, making new friends, etc. I couldn't really see myself living there as much as I miss SF and love that damn place... I just don't think its the place for me right now. So I definitely need to go on my trip to LA to see how that pans out. I could see myself in Seattle, but finding a job around here doesn't look so bright... damn hiring freezes.

I'll write again sooner and hopefully I'll have more to say...

Quick notes:
- FASA Formal was legit. Not necessarily the dance itself, but the moments outside smoking, at the bar at Dupus and just the people I was around. It was fun... good times.
- Wiley Night. A little too much for me... haha but it was awesome. Me and Jomel held hands because we really thought we'd die in that car ride and well... I seriously would've cried.
- Kanye's new one - not bad, still listening... we'll see. I really like one song though... Street Lights.
- How I Met Your Mother, I've really fallen in love with that show...!
- Planning my trip to Europe is making me super excited, it'll be the most amazing time ever. I know it.
- I love warm laundry!! :)

Geek Goddess, my Ass.

Geek Goddess.

What a ridiculous book... how to be a Geek Goddess... with fashion and style or whatever.

This book is what is wrong with societal views of women in technology fields.

I think what the problem is the view that people have of computers and technology in general.... its use, its need...

I like to think of computers and other types of technology as a medium to express other points of interest. Yes, it is a fact or possibly just an observation that this technological world sometimes gets overused and we are getting quite comfortable, but with technology comes new information and changes to societal views.

Not only in the world today, but throughout history.

The monks created "clocks" in order to pray to God at specific times. Someone brought the idea of the clock out of the walls of the monastery and now we all live on time, not to pray to God, but to get to work, go to school, etc. It changed the way we live as humans.

The style of teaching has changed tremendously. Teachers were first paid based on the amount of students they would have and would not hand out grades, but give true insight to each student and his or her work in order to be smarter, wiser, etc. Then came this one guy, I can't remember his name, but he wanted more money from his teaching, so he developed a way that he could have more students, which also meant less time with each student. He created the idea of grades, a new technology that definitely changed the way that teachers teach and students learn.

I think the most important thing about technology isn't how to be fashionable or stylish, but to remember how society was before and after. To know how it changes yourself and others.

routine.

Okay I know this is my third time mentioning it. Possibly more than that, just in various forms of words... something's missing, something's off. It's not the same.

Most things I do in life I do in a pattern. I do things a certain way. Routine. I think we all have little quirks, its human nature.

When I make peanut butter and jelly sammiches it goes like this:
1. Take out two slices of bread, held together.
2. As I throw them into the toaster I flip them both over.
3. Pull the bread out and lay them onto a paper towel.
4. Put peanut butter on the right slice.
5. Then I usually put the jelly on the left slice or sometimes I like to put the jelly on top of the peanut butter, just depends.

Okay, I know that was very detailed and irrelevant to where I'm trying to get at, but I have a point.

I just came from downstairs, doing my routine of making myself a peanut butter and jelly sammich, except not... I totally screwed up step 4. I realized it after the fact... I started to put the peanut butter on the left slice.

I know this might seem small and stupid... and ridiculous, but hear me out...

Patterns, routines... isn't that what keeps us all together? I used to ALWAYS wear the necklace that my maa got me from Hong Kong - ALWAYS. I only stopped when I got my tattoo because I didn't want it to irritate my tattoo. The days that I would forget to put it on... it would totally throw me off. I felt "naked."

It's funny because I still keep it with me in my purse.

Falling out of routine... it makes us feel off, strange, unrecognizable. Picking up a new routine can carry the same feelings. But in ways, when you pick up a new routine it's because you're dropping another.

When does a new "routine" truly become a routine?

I think I have an easier time picking up new routines than I do dropping routines. For instance, this summer it was so easy for me to get used to working at Apple and driving to Bellevue and hanging out with completely different (yet amazing) people. It became natural, normal, and routine. It became a part of me.

Yet, dropping that routine - it was difficult. It made me feel ridiculous, lost and gave me a sense of longing.

When I got back to Pullman... being in the warm weather with the warm sun and walking in the warm weather. That was an easy routine to stick to. Now the sun is dimming, the air is getting colder and the routine is getting harder to follow.

Usually when people start relationships - it's easy to get to comfortable and spend more time together. But when people end relationships its hard to stop that... it's hard to stop seeing each other so often and stop talking so often. That's why it's so hard for some couples to just end it... that's why I think it can sometimes be impossible for ex's to stay friends.

quickly and suddenly.

I've been sick. I hate being sick. The life of me gets sucked out so quickly and suddenly - leaving no time for preventative maintenance.

Orbie was in town. I missed him. Real talk.

My life never seems to go the way I'd like it to. A lot is going on right now and it sucks because I can't really do much. Preventative maintenance has passed. And what do you do when there's not much to maintain and the harder you try to hold it all together it all just keeps slipping through the cracks? That's my life.

I hate to be a downer. I hate that I can't always be happy. But like I said before, happiness is a feeling that cannot truly be achieved. Yet still I try. I try to feel things that aren't always there or maybe I try not to feel things that are there. In either case, what's wrong with feeling the way you do? I know I'm not the only one.

A few weeks ago I said that something was missing. I still feel that. It's weird. I feel different like I haven't been myself and I've been acting in ways that I usually wouldn't. I feel strange. And of course the whole point is that I don't know what's missing. No clue.

While Orbie was in town we had some real talk. Then he brought up my old blog or should I say my old deadjournal. Gross, I just came back from reading some of it. I couldn't keep reading, it was ridiculous. I always look back and think about how stupid I acted and felt and sounded... will I ever look back and think... there's an intelligent, amazing person?

aged yet refreshed.

During the last week before my birthday I did a few memorable things:
- Cut off 12 inches of my hair and I plan to donate it to Pantene towards Women of Cancer.
- Watched How I Met Your Mother with Papa Dima!
- Went to Luu's apartment and hung out with him and some of his friends.
- Gave myself Columbus Day off and prior to driving back to Pullman I went back to Luu's and watched Smart Guy!

Okay so quick recap of my birthday:
Tuesday night I went out and amazing people bought me drinks. Got wasted and then too wasted that I forgot I shouldn't smoke and puked all over the place. Thursday night was legit - it better happen again tomorrow. Today was okay, I had a party that was pretty legit. Then everyone decided to leave and ... well they forgot to include two birthday people!!!! And some people didn't have a ride away from my house so I was stuck. I wanted to go to MIKES!!! WTF!

So the night ended UN-legit. I'm mad. I'm sad.

I talked to Will Dean on the phone. Interesting...

I talked to Monte through text. I miss him. He's stuck with me. And well... there's something about him... and he knows it. I don't think I could live without him, it already sucks that he's in California and not there when I'm back in Bellevue. Lame.

I need to see him. I'm going to book my flight ... SOON!!!

I'll be sleeping on Monte's bed and I'll be all his. :)



I don't know. Right now, I feel lame... I feel sad. I feel like... I'm not in control and I don't feel like I'm ready for anything. I know I can't exactly say anything, but it just sucks to know, you know. I got tricked. Or wait, I let myself be tricked. But I tried not to. I never made the move, I never asked, I never approached, I never did anything. Lame. This is where it all gets me.

Why? Oh why!?

I have legit friends. I think I just... I'm having a bad night. I wanted to go out. I can't wait for tomorrow. Except for the fact that I need to clean, a shit load. Oh well.

Seriously... SERIOUSLY?!? I'd be fine. I'm fine. I just think I'm drunk or anxious or needy right now. Life goes on. People aren't who you think they are. I don't know how I let myself become this way because I remember CLEARLY that ... my mind, when it all happened, thought, "it's just fun." And honestly I wanted someone else. I wanted to try something else. And I settled. I SETTLED! There... think back, it's never what I wanted. I have something else going on here and it complete fun.

And tomorrow better be legit. Done deal.

Raw and All Grown Up.

In a week I turn the big 21. As usual, every year before my birthday I like to reflect on the years past and highlight the good and the bad. The moments that I remember most and the moments I feel help define me and bring me to the point that I stand at now.

I think last year I listed/coded a series of events during certain periods of my life. I want to try something different this time.

Here's my blog from last year.-->

It's strange. I'm finally turning 21 - it seems to be the age that kids wait for. It's true independence. For a few moments I want to look forward - I want to see what's ahead of me and realize how exciting the next year of my life will be. Being 21 is going to be a crazy ride, crazier than my life has ever been, I know it. I know it because my life has already been crazy, but the events and moments that are about to unfold in the coming year will be amazing - amazingly crazy, fun, ridiculous, bad, different. I just know because I'll be in a state of mind that I've never experienced or even imagined.

In the next 12 months so much is bound to happen. I'm excited to go to San Francisco in November. And if all goes well, I'll be headed to LA in December. In March, my first true niece will be turning One. Next thing you know it'll be May and I'll be done with this place forever - it'll be the biggest relief of my life. If all goes well I'll be traveling to Spain in June and once I get back I'll be moving to California, searching for a job and a completely different life. It'll be the first time I'll really be away from my family because six hours is not really being away - trust me. Next thing you know, I'll be turning 22.

But let's look to the past for a bit. This will be interesting. I want to reflect on everything. More than I did last year - deeper than last year.

I can remember exactly how I started off my 20th birthday. I was with Rei, Rick, Marco, and John - I miss that. Those were amazing times and all of us together was just amazing. Faye and Philip brought me a DQ cake exactly at midnight - Rei and I ate that thing slowly for a month or so - so good. This wasn't too long after the car crash, about 2-3 weeks or so. I think I let that car crash define this last year for me - the beginning at least.

Ms. Amy Rainwater came to visit Pullman for an entire week. I miss her. That was an amazing week. Good shit. Common show, FASA formal that I didn't really go to, but I did go in jeans, and... days of absolutely ignoring any of my responsibilities.

A lot of these months are seriously blurry for me. I can't remember much. I had no great love affairs. I didn't have too much going on at all. I just lived my days - nothing too special. I remember being unhappy and grumpy a lot during the Fall. I also remember when I used to get coffee from Starbucks every day and the holiday season decorations went up and gingerbread lattes were being sold - that brightened my day, "I love the holidays." I remember saying that. I remember the smile I had on my face.

Rei's graduation. Amazing night. Well actually me and Rick knocked out at my house when we were supposed to pick up. Instead we enjoyed some sinigang and what was supposed to be a quick smoke. Hah. Good times.

I had quit Dissmores. Started working at the helpdesk in January and I really liked it at first. I realized I like working with customers as much as customer service sucks ass sometimes. I went to visit my brother in New York and Lyna was born a few days after I left.

Next thing you know - it's summer. Summer was pretty amazing. I think summer was the happiest I had ever been in a long time. I never thought of the accident, I never thought about the bad things that had happened - it was all just good. It was my second living experience with Janice and of course it was the most amazing time we've ever had together. I know she misses me. I lived with two other boys, Mark & Mike - that was interesting, but it was fun. We all had fun - fondest memory was when we went to Kent Station for a movie and we all felt like we were on vacation in California. It did, it felt like a vacation - that's an amazing feeling.

I started work at Apple. Amazing. I met some of the most amazing people I will ever encounter. & I've said this before, but some of these people are going to be stuck with me for the rest of their lives. It was a great experience, working for Apple - it made me learn a lot. It made me learn a lot that a classroom could never teach me about technology. Not many computer scientists and other engineers work retail - no joke - so how could they really know what a customer likes. They're just guessing and thinking of themselves, but seriously... seriously computer scientists and engineers are definitely not the average shopper - definitely not. It was just interesting. I liked it - I liked the environment of the customers and the technology - even the crazy iPhone customers.

Two of my Seven amazing moments occurred during the summer. Another one occurred only weeks later.

Like I said... I met some amazing people through Apple.

Movie nights at the Condo were always fun. My first movie night was Sweeney Todd - Dima and I planned a night to hang out because we were both always busy and we wanted to have a session outside. It was a good night. I think my next movie night was Surf Ninjas and Spice Girls - that was an amazing night. I never would have guessed, imagined, or thought - intense, unbelievable and completely amazing. Pineapple Express was the beginning of Go Team - Monte already knows he's stuck with me for life. I definitely couldn't concentrate that night, if you ask me what the movie was about, I really couldn't tell you. There was too much going on in my head and well the "Go Team" really got to me.

Backtracking. That was legit. Monte, Dima, and myself - I don't think we'll ever be able to top that amazing conversation or should I say conversations.

An amazing weekend during the summer was when Faye visited me in Renton/Bellevue. And of course a night that I'll never forget was when Luu and I had various sessions, both feeling completely antsy all night and taking a walk to the park -sitting on the swings, smoking and enjoying it all. Amazing.

My first tattoo that I love and couldn't be happier about.

Getting into another accident. That is where I began to spend a lot of my time, a lot of my night at the condo. Sleeping on the floor and waking up to Will's metal rock. Oh and my hate for golf stems.

One day I remember at Apple was the day that I was ridiculously upset. I never told anyone why my day sucked so much, but people could tell I was in a bad mood. It was a text that I had got. I was upset with myself. That was the day I realized that there must be something else going on in my head. There's something going on in my life that I just didn't realize yet. It was a good thing. It just happened in a weird way.

My last amazing moment of the year was me and Faye's amazing night that should have been a movie. I never felt better or happier in my life. It was the highest high I've ever felt. The duo that no one else understands.

And to finish off was Mae's party. The night that just couldn't end for me. Celebration of Life. This night picked me up.

So to end this off I want to reflect on the years before, not the events and moments, but on me. How I've grown and possibly not so much.

One thing similar about last years blog and my mentality now is my viewpoints on falling in love and love in general. Hasn't changed. I still think happiness is key, but I still haven't figured out what constant I need in my life to secure that happiness. I'll find it. Or shall I say, it'll find me.

I've always loved California. Wish I never had to move away from San Francisco, but I know I'd be completely different if I didn't grow up in Silverdale. I've always said that I'm going to move back down there... it'll happen, soon enough. Back to Plan A. I can't stand Washington any longer.

I grew up in a somewhat religious household. Went to church practically every Sunday. Got pretty "religious" in high school and then somehow I lost it all. Still haven't found it. I still consider myself Catholic and I hold many of the beliefs. I just... I fight with religion a lot, because I don't fully understand it all yet. Possibly I never will.

I'm not always right. I'm not always on my best behavior. I'm human. I make plenty of mistakes, but I learn each and every day. I learn more and more about myself and the people around me. Everything I do in my life, I see nothing wrong with it. I can see how others may find it horrible or illegal or simply wrong, but it's my life and I'm only being me the best way I know how. I can't ask for forgiveness when I'm just trying to be me.

I used to say that I didn't think people could change. People grow - that's the truth. I think people can change for themselves, but only for themselves. I don't think people can change for anyone else whether its a friend, parents, or a significant other. It goes back to the fact that... you can only be you the best way you know how - I think it goes for everyone - and how can you ask for forgiveness when you're only being yourself, how can you change when you're only being you. It's different when you start to lose yourself and you don't know who you are anymore - it happens, it happens in moments for me - that's when change is necessary, but it only works if you realize it yourself.

I'm still shy and awkward. I'm still very to myself at times. I have become quite more vocal and quite more outgoing. I'm still laid back and very unique. In three words: Independent, Indecisive, Raw.

Independent: I hate to rely on others. I don't mind being by myself or being alone every now and then. I need to be by myself sometimes. I like to stand on my own two feet. I like to pick myself up when I fall. I like to fall by throwing myself down rather than allowing others to throw me down.

Indecisive: It's horrible, I know. I've never been good at making decisions. It's me though and I get through it and that makes all the difference.

Raw: Dictionary definition - strong and undisguised, open. It's just that. I'm strong. Raw - it's such a strong word really - open minded, open book, real, no cover ups, true to one self, true to the reality around me.

Just a few more days and I'm 21. Weird.

Getting farther with my wall. I like it. Still not done.


Rocky - he's such a stud sometimes, but then again he's kind of freakish. He actually is a freak... he'll be in Pullman for a month after the weekend, that'll be interesting.

thoughtful. thoughtless.

Addressing my last post - it's not just girls it can be guys too. It happens. There's just those two roles. The role of the one who cares more and takes it to a deeper place. Then of course there's the role of it's just fun, exciting, and nothing more. I get stuck in between both roles. Most of the time I like to play the latter. But sometimes my head gets caught and I drift off.

I usually tell myself that it wouldn't work. Whoever the guy may be... it just wouldn't work. Why you ask? I have go idea other than the fact that I suck at relationships. I think I need to find someone that I can have that fun mentality with yet let it become more without losing any of the good, new, exciting feelings. And maybe I just need to think for once that it could possibly work.

Janice and I were talking.

Fun randomness keeps things amazing.

Holding hands, random kisses, hugs - it's all companionship. It's feeling that your not alone and that someone wants your company and you have theirs. It changes the dynamic. It makes it less of just a sex situation and makes it more real. It takes more out of you.

Sex is about having fun. Relieving stress. Feeling something good inside that you can't get anywhere else. And afterwards nothing matters. Its just that.

An old conversation I had with Adrian was about cheating.

What constitues as cheating? I think it differs from person to person. From relationship to relationship. Does making out count? I used to think so. But having sex with another isn't a question. That's where my mind wanders off to feeling guilty. And what point in a relationship can cheating even exist? Emotional cheating? Do you believe in it? Getting your emotional fix from someone other them your significant other. I dont believe in it. It's just a way to blame someone else for your insecurities.

I think "emotional betrayal" might occur mostly with long distance relationships. Long distance? I don't think I'd ever be able to handle one and in my own opinion... open relationships are the key to long distance. Unless you have trouble separating sex from "love."

Janice and I also talked about "fill in boyfriends." Strange concept but it happens. And I think its easier.

I tend to throw guys in the friend zone as they might like to call it. It's because its easier for me. I noticed that. It's the persistent ones that get me. Or the ones that make the moves without fear. Because I tend to reject others. But it's not always the case. Yet I never make the move. Rarely. Ya never.

I like guys for their amazingness. His laugh, smile. Ability to notice the uniqueness I have. His stories. His uniqueness. His surprises. His ideals. His acceptance. You jump, I jump, Jack - it'll happen. For now... fun, excitement, and no strings.

"Girls are Stupid."

Last night was legit.

Adrian and I decided that I need to write a book... & hand it out to a few ladies.

Title: Girls are Stupid.

Chapter 1: Sex & Dating.

The truth is, guys don't lead on girls, girls lead themselves on. People choose to believe what they want and its always easier to blame someone else rather than yourself. Therefore, girls tend to blame guys for their heartache and pain. They choose to blame the guy for something they created and wanted in their heads - and in their head alone.

Reality: guys can't be used.

It's just sex. If the guy says nothing about a relationship, its just sex. Take it for what it is or find someone that you think wants the same thing as you.

Best practice: it's just fun. "I needed to relieve the stress."

If you're sleeping in his bed, you better be giving something in return. Or else get the fuck out.

Of course, there are exceptions.

If you think you can change him, think again. You can't change him into wanting something or being something else. And just think about it, do you really want to try that hard?

Monogamy? There's no such thing anymore. Marriage? A way for people to help define their relationship.

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Relating that all back to myself... I can get stupid. I can get caught up in moments especially amazing ones. But that's what I live for. And well... I keep it mostly to myself and moments later I'm back to my normal self. Most the time... it's just fun. Amazing fun & that's truly what I live for.

I've been getting asked this question... "do you have a boyfriend?" or "are you dating someone?" Me have a boyfriend, no way. I can't. I won't. As much as I fool myself sometimes, it wouldn't work. I suck at relationships. I'm better at that right there, what's up there. I'm fine with that.

Last night was fun. I actually drank more than I thought I would. I actually got to dance - I like to dance - I just don't usually. The night just couldn't end for me. And honestly, I think I partied all night :) it was just fun. Pink panty droppers were delicious (too bad I wasn't wearing pink panties, darn, wore them the wrong night! haha) - and Crane kept feeding those to me and making me down them. Damn. I'm getting ready for my birthday and... it's feeling good.

ridiculous & lost

Status: feels pretty damn ridiculous & lost. Something is missing in my life...

There's people and things and situations and feelings that I miss, but it's not the same as feeling that something is missing. I have no idea what it is. There's a lot that I wish could be different in my life, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about feeling empty and numb. There's something I'm not feeling that should be there or at least feels like it should be there. I just don't feel like myself right now. It's strange. I've never really felt like this before. And I'm definitely not sure that's a good thing. I don't like this new feeling.

As much as I can "explain" myself in writing the way that I do... I still don't understand myself. I know what things would make me happier, content, and would give me in return what I want, possibly need, but I don't and I'm not sure why. I think it's because I think I fuck it all up and run away - but then why would I run the other way, shouldn't I be running towards it all?

I've been in a weird funk.

Last night I actually went to sleep earlier than usual. That's what I get for taking naps all week and then sleeping at 2 in the morning. That's another weird thing, my sleeping pattern. I don't like it.

So I had the strangest of dreams. I think I remember what happened, but my dreams are usually kind of fucked up where places and people change instantly. Or at least that's how I remember it.

I can't remember if the following part came first or last or if it was even all one dream, but anyway... apparently it's Faye's birthday and we're having a party or something for her. Me, Angeline, & FAYE go to the the store to buy all the supplies like paper plates, napkins, and silverware among other things. (Nothing too interesting, but me, Angeline, & Faye - strange).

So Will came back into town & possibly Monte. For some reason I was at the Arcega household in Silverdale, but the weird thing - it wasn't actually their house that I know, completely different, but apparently in my dream I just knew it was their house. Okay so I remember Faith being there. Anyway me and Will are sitting on the couch hanging out and then TJ comes over. Of course he does his "No Boys!" bit.

Next thing I remember, the house becomes someone else's house. No idea what we're doing there and it's only me and two other people. Those two other people change into so many different people because I can't remember exactly who it was. I think it was Luu, Monte, Will, and Marco at one point. So we're snooping around in this person's house and I get all antsy and I say "really we should go before they get home."

The guys tell me not to worry and then we finally leave after I keep bugging them. We pass the stairs and Jose is the security guard for the house! Haha, he doesn't care and I walk outside and the owner drives by and is about ready to kill us!

I remember waking up after that and looking straight at Choco-hung and saying "that was weird, just weird" over and over to him. Because it was... the most random people. The most random story lines. Makes no sense. I can't make sense of this dream. It wasn't even an entertaining dream, it was just fuckin' weird.

Usually I can figure things out with my dream. I can make sense of something. Or at least it's entertaining in story line.

control.

"...and reason is a spark at the beating of our hearts." Wisdom 2:2

I used to pride myself on the wall I could build, the feelings that I didn't feel, and my ability to stay in control.

I usually have a reason for why I am the way I am. My fear of spiders and bugs comes from the enormous spider bite on my eye I got from camping. My hate for snow comes from falling in it face first when I was a baby. And I had theories on my reasons for never falling in love and being able to not fall in love. I never was too sure.

I'm still not sure, but I'm coming up with more and more theories.

I like to feel in control, who doesn't. I rarely lose myself. At least, I never let others see me out of control. But my head, it's always been fucked up and out of control.

My first boyfriend, well actually he wasn't even my first boyfriend, he was that first guy - he was at a time probably one of my best friends. We're still really good friends, but our friendship has been complicated since the day I met him. At many times, I had lost him as a friend, it could have been many reasons, but one of the main ones, the feelings we felt and didn't feel - it all got in the way. I'll never understand him. But the fact is - almost always, I never felt in control of our relationship or our friendship.

This other guy, we also became best friends. He was probably more fucked up in the head than I am now. Pretty much, keeping the story short, I had no control of this situation. He was mentally unavailable to say the least.

Other times, I felt in control. I never had to try so hard. But of course something was always missing, it never felt right and I never felt like 'this is amazing.'

So like I said, I tried something thrilling, fun, possibly stupid and bad this summer, but it was worth it. Every step, breath, touch... I'm revealing more and more of myself. There's something about feeling like you have no control that's different than all the rest. It's exhilarating and new. And as ridiculous as times can get, it's that much more worth it. It's the moments you'll never forget. I needed that.

But when does it all come together... when does the 'you jump, i jump Jack' - 'climb up here with me' - thrilling, fun, stupid, bad and different all just come together?

I've never truly loved someone. I've never fallen in love. I sat out on the deck again today listening to music off my iPhone and I noticed every other songs mentions love - what does it truly feel like to love someone? What does it take for me to love? I watched Made of Honor today, strange movie, but I liked it. He couldn't even say 'I Love You' to anyone except for dogs. I'm not that bad and I'm not saying that when I say 'I Love You' to someone, it means nothing. Everyone has a different meaning of love, for some can love so quickly and easily and others may never love at all. I just want to know what it'd feel like, I want to know my meaning. Obviously I'll just have to wait and see.

Other notes:
- I haven't spent a weekend in Pullman for a while. It's weird. I got so used to going back and chillin' at the condo. I took a shot of tequila last night and I also drank a beer - I also had to be the "D.D." It was fun and I got too see an old crush from high school/freshmen year so that was pretty amazing. Definitely should have made my move. HAH. But my night was good and well... I felt good. Of course, I knocked out on Marco's couch like I always used to... oh well. "It's not the same."
- 18 days until I turn 21 years old. I'm excited, but... I just hope its a better year. A much, much better year. A lot happened this year, good and bad, more bad than good. I wouldn't take it back for the world, but... I just hope it gets better because the year before that wasn't too hot either.

heart & eyes.

I finally setup my pictures on my wall, nicely that is. Not done with my wall though, I need something else up there. Just not sure what yet.

I love watching movies and shows. I love 'movie' quotes. I love how fancy people can sound with one or two lines. It's amazing and the only way people should speak. Speak with wisdom, speak with meaning - too bad I have trouble doing that, I usually speak gibberish.

I had this moment at work the other day. I just felt weird - it's hard to explain. My eyes got watery instantly and my heart started to race. I don't know what it is. Or maybe I do, but the fact that it happened and the thoughts going through my head right before it happened... that worries me and I have no idea what its supposed to mean or if it should even matter.

I have a tendency to start a post & never post them. I'm continuing with this post from Wednesday, it's Friday. This week was interesting.

Last night Choco-hung was acting completely strange as if he's not already a weird dog, but he was doing the weirdest thing. He's never done it before. When I got home after work he kept shaking and started climbing onto my desk. At first I thought it was because I was eating chicken but he almost ignored my chicken. So he started to climb up on the window sill and just look out as though he was watching someone go or waiting for someone to come back.

Choco-hung senses things. I know he does. He's a smart dog but he does piss me off sometimes. But I'm trying figure out what this all means. What these strange events in my life are supposed to lead to or merely tell me.

You know how people talk to themselves the most. That's a fact for me. I've been having these conversations in my head lately. I still don't know what I want but I know that I'll be fine. Awkward moments may come. Silent moments may fall. But more happened than I ever imagined. I'm happy. I'm happy with what happened.

""The drinks fortify us. The drinks give us strength. The drinks get us drunk."

I promised Marco I'd drink this weekend. I have three weeks til my birthday. I need to up my tolerance. Uh oh, here I go... it's going to be bad, I know it. Not used to the drinking mindset - hasn't happened in a really long time. It'll be ridiculous, it'll be good. I'll have fun. It's a good time to get wasted. Drunk txting here we go. Haha joking. It'll be stupid and bad. I'm excited.

recap. rethink.

Recapping the weekend:
SYTYCD was fun. Totally late for the show but still got to see some of my favorite routines. Crappy seats but we made it enjoyable. And were practicing for our reenactment for Janice - priceless. Haha.

Friday night: Luu & deck time is always good stuff. On the phone with Faye at the same time was legit. When Monte finally got home... he amazed me. Actually stayed up after a Go Team moment. I'm definitely going to miss him... and he knows it.

Dima is back!!! Got to hear all his amazing stories which only made me jealous. Haha. But it was good times especially when Luu got there. It's good to have Dima back.

Mr. Will Dean is silly. I'll miss him, of course.

Rethinking:
I'm happy with how the weekend went. I'm happy with how things are.

I feel in control. I'm prepared for all things.

& I'm thinking of it this way now...
October = always busy + 21st BIRTHDAY!!
November = Thanksgiving Break = San Francisco!! + Apple?
December = Just a few weeks of school + Winter Break
Spring Semester = CAKE!
Summer & Beyond = Apple + Spain + Real Job Search + California

Other thoughts:
I can't get over it - my friends are amazing. I still don't think I deserve them sometimes.

in omnia paratus.

in omnia paratus. prepared for all things.

"It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different. Isn't this the point of being young? ... People can live a hundred years without really living a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived."

Amazing. I can't explain how amazing that quote is. The day a guy says "climb up here with me" and makes me feel different, good, bad, amazing, thrilled... that'll be my jump.

I tried that this summer... something different, fun, thrilling, possibly bad & stupid. No jump though. No "climb up here with me," but it was an experience that made me really live for more than a minute. No regrets. It was fun while it lasted. And that's what counts. I just need to remind myself of that.

I tell myself I want certain things. I want to feel certain things. I want my emotions to run high with someone else.

The truth... I think that's what I want. Or maybe it's truly what I want. But when it's possible or it happens... I run. I do it all the time. I try not to show my true feelings and when it finally happens I hide and turn away. My feelings make a 180 and I lose myself. I forget what it is I wanted in the first place. Not sure what it would have been this time around but maybe it's better that I don't find out.

What made my head so fucked? I get bored. I'm indecisive. I'm independent. I'm pushed and pulled to finish school. I'm surrounded by amazing friends that I'll keep in my life forever. I'm blessed. I'm smart. I'm scared. I'm shy. I feel undeserving, not smart enough, not good enough. I don't know why though.

Other notes:
- I love Boys and Girls. Amazing movie. She's me. I'm her.
---"We've all been in love, but we never know it's not true love until it's over. So what if Maybe there is no one or two or three or four or five? I mean, what if there is no such thing as true love, and we're just too afraid to admit it, so we keep on dressing up, we keep on pretending to be something that we're not. We keep turning our lives upside down, losing ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think that we are. What if that something that we're looking for just doesn't exist? "
---"I needed to relieve the stress."
- Ne-yo CD is amazing. He did it again but even better.
- Deck time with Luu is always perfect. Faye on the phone = legit. If only she were really there.
- So You Think You Can Dance show tonight. Should be amazing.
- Monte and Will shall be missed. Go Team - amazing true friend and he actually stayed up last night. :)

strange & awkward.

Just a few thoughts from over the weekend:

My life is taking strange and awkward turns.

I don't know why, but my parents seem to feel the need to remind me constantly that I need to finish school. It only makes me feel like I'm doing this whole school thing for only them and no longer for myself. I hate it. I can't wait to get out of here already - when I say here I mean not only Pullman, but Washington in general. I need to get away from them and be on my own. It's definitely necessary right now. I need to be doing things for me and until I'm done with school, I don't feel like that'll be possible. My parents keep pushing too much - don't get me wrong, I love them and I'm grateful for all they do for me, I'm just having trouble figuring out and knowing what it is I want in accordance to them.

When I see him, it's different. "That was weird...", yes I agree it is weird. I don't know what to think sometimes and my feelings change tremendously from the moment I'm here in Pullman to the moment I'm back there. As much as I miss you when I'm not there - I'm definitely going to miss you even more when you move. My pride, it gets in the way. If I threw away my pride I'd pick up the phone right now to say hi, ask how your day went, tell you I'll miss you, and say goodnight. But I won't and I can't, there's no point, no reason. I'm not asking for much, well honestly, I don't know what I'm asking for at all.

I've always been scared to say what's on my mind. Not only now, but always in my life, in any situation. It's always hard for me to express myself and speak out, truly speak out. This is what makes me self cautious. It's something I really need to overcome. Something I really need to work on. It's like I said before, I'm not too good with conflict of any sort.

I saw the new iPod Nano and iPod Touch at the Southcenter store. First note: I still can't get over how small the Southcenter store is, so thankful that Bellevue Square is much bigger even though I still think we need a bigger store. Second: the nanos are very nice - some software features may be missing, but a good change. Third: the touches were given the updates that I knew were coming, speaker and mic... too bad apparently they aren't very good speakers.

I have some of the most amazing friends - old and new.

simple & honest

So I skipped my first class today because simply and honestly I just didn't feel like going.

As I was walking this morning I started to think about happiness. Ever since my 2.5!! car crash (haha) it was all about being happy. I achieved that this summer or should I say I felt it. The pursuit of happyness? Or is it like in jack and jill vs. the world where happiness cannot be pursued rather it's a feeling - no false hope. I think it goes both ways. You don't necessarily pursue happiness but you go for your dreams, your wants, and for some... what others want for you. Whether knowing what you want and going for it makes you happy or finally achieving the things you want makes you happy. Of course there's times when people just aren't satisfied. Or like me... I'm indecisive - my wants are usually very vague and knowing what I want isn't that simple. That's another problem I have.

I think tonight is a night for sinigang. I just saw Phily. It'll be a good night.

a beginning & an ending.

I've decided to start writing again for the following reasons:
1. I feel like I'm going crazy, I need to lay my thoughts out somewhere.
2. I'm super bored right now and homework is not an option.
3. Life is ... ridiculous.
4. Writing last night made me feel amazing afterwards.
5. I've realized a lot - I think this is necessary.

My life is ridiculous, yet I think I'm just complaining, because who doesn't have these terrible rough patches in their life - I just get impatient. I only have one more year left at WSU and I just have to focus and get it over with - "it's time to motherfuckkin' FOCUS." It's definitely easier said than done.

A lot has been on my mind. A lot has happened over the last couple months.

My life philosophy over the last few years has been: "Think Smart. Think Single."
But why? It was even my life philosophy when I was in a serious relationship.

I need to breakdown my thoughts. I need to start letting people understand me, because well maybe... I'll finally start to understand myself.

I don't care what people think of me. But I do care a lot about how my friends and family see me. Because they know me or at least the part of me that lets people know me. It's strange, I was so proud of my wall before, but who needs a wall to block others away - a wall should be there to display your feelings, thoughts, ideas, and everything else that helps to define you in a deeper sense.

Honestly, I don't care much for myself. I think that's my problem. I don't ever think the right guys are interested, I don't ever think guys are interested, PERIOD. I don't think I'm a memorable person. I hate small talk because I don't care about your favorite color or where you're from, I'm more interested in your laugh, the company you give me, the ability to sit in a room in silence with me without making it the least bit awkward (other than the fact that to Monte I am awkward, haha), your ability to let me know more about you through stories and actions, and you making me laugh.

I hate conflict. It doesn't matter if it's small and settle, but I hate conflicting with others. When it happens though, I have too much pride. When it happens, that's when I'm really a bitch. I think I'm getting better at it though or maybe it's the people I'm around. I just like a world without conflict... when its happened a friend was lost and awkward moments arise. Definitely unnecessary.

I've been in my fair share of "relationships." Never been a big fan. I want to be, who doesn't really? I just don't believe them sometimes. I always said I've never fallen in love and I've said that the day I do, he'll be the one. I think it's true for me, I'm not going to fall in love more than once - & honestly I don't think I could ever really know. Maybe Choco-hung is as good as it gets- HAH amazing. But honestly, it's like me and Janice would say, we're not girls - we man up against our brothers. I'm not like most girls and that's why I always say "girls are stupid." (No offense to girls, sorry). I like to think of myself as independent and I hate to see myself even slightly depend on a guy. I'm not saying it's the best thing, definitely not.

Most times, I'd rather not risk losing a friend, especially the great ones that come by. But... that's not completely true - in many ways. Anyway, great ones are sure hard to come by now a days.


Like I said, I'm finishing up school. As much as I hate school I wish I could start all over. I wish I could move, go to a different university, and study something completely different. I don't have any interest in programming or at least what I'm taught here, but I don't want to develop software - boring - unless it was me and Rei's amazing vending machine, haha. That's why when I get out of here, I have no clue what I'm going to do. I kind of think I want it to be that way, I'm tired of all the planning I've always done and had to do. I'm not going to spend my days trying to find a job, if one comes by then so be it. Things will work out and for even better - it'll all just come to me.

So I'm waiting now. Not planning ahead. I'm waiting for it all to come and letting myself learn more about the world, others, and myself. I'm focusing on right now - just trying to get out of here, sitting around with Choco-hung, the homework I just realized is due tomorrow, and the stomach grumbling before me that's craving a PB&J sammich!!

Oh ya a few last notes:
1. iTunes 8 is amazing! Can't wait to see the new iPods.
2. I have to do a health, community, individual 3D animation for me & Sean's first project, we're thinking of focusing on Smoking or Drugs - how ironic. ->
3. The new visualizer on iTunes is unbelievable especially after my nightcap. :)